Taliban Kicks Off Spring Offensive With Bake Sale
Ghazni Province — The Taliban of Naw Abad Village announced its annual Spring Offensive and Bake Sale, alerting locals to brace themselves for errant RPG fire and an onslaught of delicious passion fruit scones.
The sale is set to begin immediately following Saturday morning’s ambush at the Habibi Road Bazaar. Now in the final week of preparations, fighters are working overtime to put finishing touches on both suicide vests and iced cakes.
"It’s a crazy time of year for us. If you’re not using your pressure cooker to build a bomb you’d better be using it to firm up a cheesecake," warned local Taliban leader Ahmed Khan.
The Islamist militant group first entertained the idea of a bake sale in 2010 when it came across kitchen supplies and appliances left for locals by the U.S. Civil Affairs team as part of a multi-billion dollar infrastructure development program.
“We couldn't use the 1870's English language printing press or the jet skis and boating gear they gave the village, but the gourmet cooking tools really piqued our interest,” said Khan.
Taliban representatives say they plan to exceed last year's earnings by 5 percent with all profits going towards the reinstatement of Sharia law and destroying the west. Previous years' sales allowed for small luxuries like Chechen snipers and a videographer for their YouTube channel.
As an added bonus, Khan believes the sugary treats will help fatten up civilians for human shield purposes as the Spring's first attacks kick off.
"Cake pops were really popular last time but this year we think our gluten-free pies will be a top seller," said torture specialist and head baker Muhammad Gul.
Despite decades of horror and the threat of impending violence many locals are also looking forward to the sale.
“Swear to Allah, their toffee bars are so good I forgot they chopped off my left breast last year for going outside alone,” said Miriam Fazli.
The general consensus among Naw Abad's Taliban fighters is that they now enjoy baking almost as much as they love blindly firing Kalashnikovs over walls.
"That's good," says Khan, "because they'll be doing plenty of both come Saturday."
Khan recalled a rough start for the first bake sale in 2010: "It was droning cats and dogs out and that really put a dent in our sales, but ever since then we've had an alternate cave location ready."
He does not expect any infidel-related issues this year.
When asked whether The Pentagon would use this bake sale as an opportunity to take out key Taliban operatives, spokesman John Akerman told reporters: "Are you insane?! Have you tried their toffee bars?"