WASHINGTON — Following increased public criticism of the Air Force’s controversial religious policies, the Air Force’s Special Panel on Religious Freedom has announced a brand new amendment to Air Force Instruction 1-1 which will allow atheists to mentally omit references to a monotheistic deity while being forced to pray at official functions.
“This is a real step forward in religious equality,” Lt. Gen. Harold Norsworth, chairman of the committee, said in a press release. “Now, when hundreds of people around them bow their heads in prayer and mutter ‘Yes, Jesus!’ atheists will be able to silently censor the chaplain in their heads, removing any mention of a deity they may or may not believe in but who definitely exists and is judging them.”
When asked why atheists wouldn’t be allowed to express such omissions out loud, Gen Norsworth commented, “Well, we wouldn’t want them to force their beliefs on anyone. Mandatory prayer time at mandatory functions is an equal opportunity environment.”
“I think this is great, just great,” Lt. Kara Levins, president of the Air Force Atheists Association, said in response. “We took real issue with the verbiage our chaplains were using when we were all told to stand during dinner at Al Udeid and pray. We can use whatever sound effect we want in our heads to bleep it out, too, as long as we don’t laugh and disrupt this mandatory time of spiritual engagement.”
Levins declined further comment due to a mandatory squadron Bible study coming up before church.