TIKRIT, Iraq — The Islamic State is rethinking its mobile carrier today, after sending a message to America that wound up costing it $73 million in overage charges on its wireless plan, Duffel Blog has learned.
“We thought we had unlimited messages,” said spokesman Abu Muhammad al-‘Adnani. “But it turns out, the infidels at Virgin Mobile don’t really mean unlimited when they say it. There is a million message limit buried in the so-called ‘fine print.’ A thousand curses on you, Mr. Branson! This is total zift.”
“I will write some fine print on them with my weapon, Insh’Allah!” he added.
According to sources, the Islamic State’s message consisted of “really scary” emoji and the hashtag “#MessagetoAmerica.”
The SMS text to the nearly 300 million smart phones registered in the U.S. have resulted in a penalty rate of $0.25/message over the one million contractually allowed. This led to a massive fee due to Virgin Mobile of $72,863,713.67, of which more than $1 million is a “universal connection charge” that the Islamic State is also disputing. The Islamic State is not contesting $314,159 dollars in data overages, even though it denied that any of that “was used to download porn, especially not anything to do with Furries.”
“Bearing all this in mind, we have decided to take our business to Sprint, to take advantage of their ‘Whatever it costs’ promotion,” al-‘Adnani said. “And we have declared a fatwa against Virgin Mobile, and look forward to deflowering them in Paradise.”
But a big bill isn’t ISIS’s only problem, as now approximately every person in America has the group’s mobile number, and has begun drunk-texting them continuously.
“And this, just as we were preparing to add Boko Haram to the ‘family share’ plan,” al-‘Adnani said.
At press time, the Sprint corporation was under investigation for giving financial aid to terrorists.
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