WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented shift in legal proceedings, the NSA has overturned the US Court of Appeals’ decision that the mass collection of telephone metadata is illegal, Duffel Blog has learned.
This comes in the wake of nearly two years of legal debate, which began when whistleblower Edward Snowden really wanted to visit Moscow but couldn’t afford the trip.
“This double-reversal is unique for two reasons,” said Judge William Pauley, a Clinton appointee to the Southern District of New York who originally had voted in 2013 that the program was legal. “First, this is a unique program with unique national security implications. And second, the NSA is not part of the judicial branch of the United States government. This makes it very unusual that they would weigh in on the matter, never mind deliver a legally-binding ruling.”
The NSA’s ruling was initially met by outrage, with several members of the ACLU protesting outside the White House. One spokesman, Carla Brown, was seen in front of local cameras delivering a scathing message.
“The brutality of our Big Brother government, has gone on long enough!” she shouted into multiple microphones. She continued to encourage the people to “rise up against tyranny,” but was interrupted by a man in a suit who whispered something in her ear.
“Never mind,” Brown said, after wiping sweat from her brow. “Forget everything I just said. I need to go erase my phone records. And my emails. Oh shit. Oh shit.”
The NSA released its own statement yesterday, after which many of the arguments against the decision mysteriously began to disappear.
“You should not fear your benign overlords,” a new NSA spokesman whose name nobody could remember and who was also wearing swirly eyeglasses, said in a public statement. “The All Seeing Eye is your friend. Trust your friend. Believe in your friend.”
Cameras then showed all the members of the press conference nodding in unison.
“As for district judge Vernon Broderick, who ruled against the program,” the unnamed spokesman continued, “we understand that you are entitled to your opinion and respect your expertise as a member of the United States legal system, but there is no real potential harm to the citizens’ privacy from the collection of phone metadata. We also understand that you may not want anyone to know that number (606) 245-2999 called number (508) 295-8581 at 7:08 PM on April 6th.”
CORRECTION: The editors of Duffel Blog regrettably reported all of this article in error. The NSA does not actually exist, and there is no proof that any of our phone numbers called any 900 numbers at any time. All hail the Eye.