WASHINGTON, D.C. — The State Department announced it is unable to make better recruiting videos than a group who turns their new recruits into suicide bombers.
“Well golly gee whiz guys, this is difficult,” Secretary of State John Kerry said earlier today. “ISIS makes the new guys kill themselves. All we have is alcohol, states with legal marijuana, and businesses where naked women shove their tits in your face. I can’t think of a way to make that appealing to young men. A lot of them are joining because they can’t get laid and they wouldn’t be interested in places where you can play World of Warcraft 24/7.”
While ISIS recently released a recruitment video showing the tactical skill and production values of a pre-teen airsoft team, the U.S. State Department has been unable to make anything better.
The State Department’s first attempt at anti-ISIS propaganda was to encourage people to join ISIS so they could rape and murder. Unfortunately, sources said it wasn’t deterring sexually-frustrated young men who want to live out their deluded power fantasies.
“There isn’t a single thing we can do to make joining a group of rabid psychopaths who are losing a war seem unappealing,” Kerry said. “There’s no way we could use our multi-billion dollar film industry to showcase our ability to kill terrorists via airstrike with no hope of retaliation. Videos of our ground forces routing every conventional enemy we’ve faced in the Middle East also wouldn’t be demoralizing in the slightest.”
“Maybe we could show how ISIS forces its soldiers to become suicide bombers at gunpoint, or how everything pleasurable is banned and anyone who commits a minor violation is beheaded,” Kerry said. “Nah, we’ll stick with trolling them on Twitter.”