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Marine Identifies As Someone Who Did Not Get A DUI This Weekend

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A Lance Corporal with Headquarters Regiment, 2nd Marine Logistics Group, who is accused of drunken and reckless driving after she allegedly clipped two Provost Marshal Office vehicles while passing through the main gate, claims she self identifies as a sober driver with a clean record, Duffel Blog has learned.

On Monday, Irene Hays, 27, was being read her rights under Article 31 of the UCMJ when she announced that she culturally identified as someone who drank responsibly and was otherwise completely sober throughout her weekend liberty, witnesses say.

Hay’s company First Sergeant was immediately rushed to Naval Hospital Camp Lejeune to treat a brain aneurism. He is reported to be in stable condition despite Hays’ assertion that she identifies as a teetotaler.

“Actually, I don’t like the term teetotaler; I prefer sober,” said LCpl Hays. “So, if asked, I would say, I consider myself as not driving under the influence of alcohol.”

Colonel Gary F. Keim, the Headquarters Regiment’s commanding officer, stands behind the Provost Marshal’s actions and has ordered his staff to complete a Unit Punishment Book on Hays. “One’s self identity is not a qualifying criteria or disqualifying standard for Non Judicial Punishment,” said Keim. “Blood alcohol content is.”

Meanwhile, Hays has sought legal counsel claiming the punitive articles she is being charged with fly in the face of her chosen identity.

“Who I feel I am as a person transcends what I actually did,” said Hays. “I can’t be defined by my actions but only through the lens I choose to be seen through.”

Hays admits that for a while she felt she may identify as a Montford Point Marine or a Marine Raider, but feels she is content to remain an average Marine who did not ruin her life by drunkenly wrecking two military police vehicles.

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