Inaugural ‘State Of The Caliphate’ Address Met With Blank Stares From Pyramid Of Severed Heads

RAQQA, Syria – Sources confirmed that today’s momentous first “State of the Caliphate” address was met with underwhelming indifference by both the audience in attendance and a handful of crickets.

Despite the fiery rhetoric and impassioned delivery of Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the highly-anticipated speech marking the Islamic State’s first year as a worldwide Islamic caliphate appears to have fallen upon deaf ears.

“We have come so far as a new nation,” the impassioned leader said to a crowd of dead or soon-to-be dead people in Raqqa, Syria. “The Caliphate has brought together true believers together in one place as a paradise of hope, drone strikes, and special operations hunt-and-kill missions.”

Indeed, sources noted that there were more than a few instances of rolling eyes, and at least two confirmed culprits brazenly sticking out their tongues.

“You know, this is just unacceptable,” al-Baghdadi told his aides. “Here we are, making history, and it’s like I’m just talking to a bunch of numbskulls.”

“I guess I’d better go decapitate my speechwriter,” he continued, “and add him to the audience pile.”


Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.

Fort Ho Chi Minh Opens, Hosts Reactivated 23rd Americal Division

Iraqi Army Running Desperately Short of Deserters