YEMEN — In an Edward Snowden file recently decrypted by China, secret documents reveal that CIA agents accidentally waterboarded a pair of terror suspects in human semen, intelligence sources say. The agents’ transcribed depositions were included in the file.
“The text message actually said ‘Waterboard the suspects in semen,’ not ‘Yemen,’” confessed Special Agent “Black.” “Give us some credit: we did still conduct the semen waterboardings in Yemen, which is what the boss was trying to say. That’s technically a win.”
The entire mission was nearly derailed by bad iPhone instructions.
“We almost didn’t catch the right guys, either. We were scouring the airport for a duo travelling from London with lesbian ass parts,” said Special Agent “Blue.” Black and Blue requested anonymity.
“They already briefed us about the Lebanese passports the day before,” said Black. “I guess when we saw the autocorrected instructions we just got caught up in wishful thinking. Stupid Siri.”
The agents quickly apprehended their targets after they received improved descriptions of the suspects.
“Texting is the easiest way to update agents,” Blue texted Duffel Blog from a disposable cell phone when reached for comment. “When it comes to transcribing, problems cum with the tertiary. After the interrogation, we had to kill the terrorists, but that part made us feel better. Like the boss is always texting us: Slaughter is the best medicine.”