Air Force Asks EU For F-35 Bailout
THE PENTAGON – Air Force spokesman Col. Marty Turner announced today that the Air Force is asking the European Union for bailout funds to pay for the next fiscal year’s F-35 development program.
The move comes after the Pentagon denied the Air Force’s request to cut an additional 19 Army Brigade Combat Teams (BCTs) to pay for another squadron of the fighters. The F-35 has the dubious distinction of being the most expensive military weapon system in recorded history.
“We really had no choice,” explained Turner to assembled reporters after announcing the bailout request. “They only agreed to cut two Army brigades, which barely pays for a single aircraft. Since the EU is looking to field the F-35 in the future it’s really in their best interest to make sure this thing keeps getting funded.”
Some have speculated that the timing of the request was connected to the EU offering Greece its third multi-billion dollar bailout in less than five years.
“Oh absolutely,” Turner agreed. “The F-35 program is too big to fail, but there are five or six members of Congress who don’t have some portion of the aircraft being manufactured in their districts and who therefore can’t see the wisdom of slashing the rest of the entire military to pay for a mediocre platform.”
“That’s why we’ve turned to the one organization that we know will support a losing proposition with no fiscal end in sight,” he added.
When asked what else could be cut if the EU fails to bail out the F-35 program, Turner listed several options, including the Army’s airborne division, several nuclear submarines, or the Marine Corps.
“But I wouldn’t worry about it,” he concluded. “If they cut Greece another check you know those idiots will bail out anyone.”