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Marine ‘Emotionally Exhausted’ By Having To Plan To Kill Everyone He Meets

QUANTICO, Va. — Lance Cpl. Matt Bennet was admitted to Naval Medical Clinic Quantico with “emotional exhaustion” today after breaking down from the strain of “having a plan to kill everyone he meets,” according to sources in Bennet’s platoon.

“Like all real Marines, Bennet reveres Gen. [James] Mattis,” according to Bennet’s company commander, Capt. J.D. Maurer. “He takes the general’s orders, instructions and advice extremely seriously.”

“As do we all,” he added. “For instance, if I need to kill Bennet, I’m going to send him on a night march, and get him with a Claymore as he clears the tree line.”

According to fellow Marines, Bennet began the planning last summer at a Denny’s in Stafford, Va.

“My platoon sergeant gave me 60 seconds to explain my plan to kill the waitress, the bus boy, and the short order cook,” Bennet said. “And it was easy.”

“Break my plate on the bus boy’s head,” he recounted. “Those Denny’s plates weigh like 10 pounds, so he’s incapacitated at least. Grab the waitress, drag her into the kitchen, and stab her in the carotid with her pen. Then shove the cook’s head into the fryolator until he stops thrashing. Probably takes 90 seconds, unless I have to circle back around to finish off the unconscious bus boy.”

After that, Bennet says, the plans got more challenging.

“I was on an exercise, riding in the back of a C-130. I’m asking the crew chief what this hose does, and where that wire goes,” he said. “I’m looking around at all the other Marines thinking, ‘The trick isn’t killing you. It’s not killing me while I do it.’”

According to his friend, Sgt. Peter Roark, things started to go wrong on a trip to the National Zoo.

“He’s like, ‘Do I even have to have a plan to kill the animals?’” Roark said. “I mean, we’re not technically meeting them, but they’re sort of around. And he’s going, ‘They’re in cages, so do I just need to have plans to kill the ones in the petting zoo?’ And then he’s all, ‘Fuck it, not like you can turn this off. That panda was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. He’s getting a goddamn plan.’”

Things got worse when he went to a Mattis book signing at Kramerbooks & Afterwards in Washington.

Roark says when Bennet got to the front of the line, “Mattis looked straight at [Roark], and they both knew they had plans, but Mattis’ was better.”

He spiraled quickly after that.

“I can’t even eat breakfast anymore,” Bennet said. “I look at my kids and I have like 20 options. I could start by — ” He stopped speaking suddenly and began to sob.

When asked if he had a plan to kill his commanding officer, Bennet hedged. “I don’t want to get in trouble. So let’s just say that I know about Capt. Maurer’s Claymore mine, and if I were him, I’d be careful about stopping for coffee at Dunkin Donuts at 0635 every morning.”

Marine Base Quantico spokesman Maj. Roger Antilles told reporters no charges were pending against Bennet.

“Also,” he said, “my plan to kill all of you is to use the firehose on this wall to herd you into a corner. I have already locked the exits. My M9 has 15 rounds, and I can garrote any survivors with their credential lanyards.”

Duffel Blog Essayist Dark Laughter contributed to this report.


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