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New Father Volunteering To Stand Duty For Everyone


SAN DIEGO – The father of newly-born Nicholas Braun, Jr. is volunteering to stand duty for anyone and everyone stationed aboard the USS Makin Island (LHD-8), sources told Duffel Blog today.

Quartermaster 2nd Class Nicholas Braun, Sr., who until nine months ago firmly intended to separate from military service, is the first to admit his peculiar offer to stand additional duty is by no means a gesture of bona fide altruism.

“Please, just, I just need some goddamned sleep,” the haggard father pleaded with sallow, sunken eyes. “One duty day away from home just doesn’t cut it!”

The Makin Island, a Wasp-class amphibious assault ship, has a crew of roughly one thousand sailors divided into eight in-port duty sections.

“Eight out of seven days? You don’t have to be a mathematician to know that’s a good deal!” Braun deliriously cried. “Maybe I could pay people to stand duty for them?”

Braun’s wife, Patricia, says she supports her husband’s efforts totally.

“That good-for-nothing, sleazebag, low-life! Look at what he did to me! He doesn’t do anything around the house to begin with!” she shrieked. Breathing deeply and composing herself, she continued, “You know, it’s just easier when he’s not around anyway.”

Meanwhile, baby Nick blissfully cooed and gurgled that he is eagerly looking forward to teething.

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