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CIA Asks Coast Guard For Its Cocaine Back

LOS ANGELES — After a dramatic Coast Guard operation this summer seized more than $1 billion in cocaine from illegal smuggling efforts, the Central Intelligence Agency is asking for it back, Duffel Blog has learned.

“We didn’t spend the last forty years perfecting narcotics smuggling so that a couple of wet-behind-the-ears puddle pirates could pull a paper mache submarine out of the water and make off with South America’s new government,” a CIA operative known only as “John” told reporters. “You guys are lucky that we outsourced the crews, or you’d be chupacabra food right now.”

According to the CIA, the final stroke occurred when the Coast Guard managed to ambush a semi-submersible vessel on its way to El Salvador, which was going to either help fund Mara Salvatrucha (more commonly known as MS-13) or Calle 18, depending on which gang they thought would function better as the country’s future government.

The Coast Guard, however, isn’t too keen on giving it back. After a lengthy, technical legal study on international water property laws and littoral rights, the Coast Guard responded with a two word justification.

“Finders keepers,” Adm. Paul Zukunft, commandant of the Coast Guard, said in a statement. “There’s no way we’re giving you back this $900 million cocaine haul. Nope, all $500 million of it is staying right where it is. We’re confiscating and destroying all $100 million of it.”

“Coincidentally,” Zukunft continued, scratching at his nose, “You’re all invited to a big party tonight at Coast Guard headquarters to celebrate our recent budget increase. Please bring coffee straws. For the coffee. We ran out. It’s a supplier issue.”

The issue is far from settled, sources say. The move has started a rivalry between the two unrelated groups. The Coast Guard followed the cocaine operation by seizing a shipment of Cuban cigars that were later reported as “lost at sea,” and the CIA responded by assassinating several high-value Coast Guard Officer Club committee members.

The agency also attempted a coup d’etat of sorts to confuse serving Coast Guardsman, by adding the Department of Energy, Secretary of Urban Development, and Congressman Duncan Hunter to its overly simple chain-of-command structure.

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