RAMSTEIN AB, Germany – Widespread panic occurred this week at 3rd Air Force Headquarters on Ramstein Air Base, Germany, after an intel officer used all these big words during his daily update brief.
Lt. Amit Reddi, an air defense analyst for 3rd Air Force, apparently threw the unit into complete chaos by explaining that “enemy maneuvers were nominal” and “aggregate troop movements indicated an absence of aggressive activity.” Further observations were muddled by the bedlam, but reports are that words such as “amalgamation,” “kinetic,” and “airplane” were among those that caused the worst uproar.
Despite all these big words, panic was held at bay until a member of the staff, an Air Force colonel, tried to repeat one of the big words “just to see how it felt.” At this point, the personnel commander, a former pilot, apparently became so frustrated that he flipped the table, and the flag officers scattered.
“You can’t just walk into a briefing and use big words,” Maj. Christina Burke, the commander’s executive officer, said as she tried to coax Lt. Gen. John Hardy, the 3rd Air Force commander, out of a corner. Burke explained that Hardy, who was desperately clutching a box of crayons during the classified briefing, was apparently unable to unzip his flight suit pocket to access his smartphone so he could “Google it.”
“It’s really my fault,” Burke continued as she bundled the general up in a blankie. “I was going to explain it all to him after I got him his coffee, but he just ran off and started yelling. I should have kept a closer eye on him. Now that he’s all riled up, he’s going to take forever to put down for a nap.”
The base’s air operations center has been on 24-hour alert for six days straight due to the briefing, and the American ambassador to Russia has been recalled. Reddi, the intelligence officer, has received a letter of counseling for his use of all these big words.