FORT BENNING, Ga. – The 75th Ranger Regiment has vacated its headquarters on Main Post Fort Benning and moved into a club house in the mountains near Dahlonega, Ga., according to sources in the base commander’s office.
Witnesses report the new club house sports a “No Girls Allowed” banner, and is also occupied by the senior leadership of the Navy SEALs, Army Special Forces, and Joint Special Operations Command.
Lt. Gen. Raymond Thomas, Commander of Joint Special Operations Command stated, “My medical team confirms men can contract cooties through kissing, hugging, and by sharing Ranger Tabs with women.”
When confronted by news that cooties was thought to have been eradicated, Lt. Gen. Thomas replied, “Force field! No entry, girls!”
Lt. Gen. Thomas’ sentiments were shared by those within the ranks of America’s Special Forces. According to one anonymous Army Ranger, “If a woman earns a Ranger Tab, what does that make me? Equal to a woman? No way!”
“We already went through this with the gays,” according to the Ranger. “I want to work in an environment where I can get butt naked in front of other men in the shower and smack other dudes on the ass as we’re about to get out of the airplane. Normal, heterosexual guy stuff without all the women.”
Senior Defense officials were not amused, however.
“That does it!” said Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “If Rangers and Green Berets can’t play nice with the other children, it’s off to bed. No more dune buggies, CASA-212 jumps, or hollow-point ammunition until they can learn to share their Ranger tabs, Tridents, and berets with the others.”
When it was brought to the attention of Army Rangers that a female soldier, Army Lt. Ashley White, was immortalized within the Ranger Regiment after fighting and dying alongside male Rangers in Afghanistan, one Ranger replied, “It says ‘No Girls Allowed.’ ‘Girlzz’ plural. You’re allowed to have one.”