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Guy Who Got Petraeus’ Old Phone Number Sick Of Hearing From Paula Broadwell

WASHINGTON — A new Central Intelligence Agency hire issued what he believes is David Petraeus’ old phone number has lost sleep, focus and productivity due to an incessant barrage of late night texts that may be from Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today.

“It started about a week after I got a government cellphone issued,” said Analyst David Newell.  “It was about 2 a.m., and I got a text. I raced over, thinking only something really important and work-related had happened, like we had a top high value target in custody and I’d need to authorize some enhanced interrogation techniques.  But all it said was ‘miss u L.’”

“It took a few messages for me to realize that didn’t mean that one of my field agents had missed a drop site. No, this was personal. And then, she knew the number was active again. And it just wouldn’t stop”

Newell has revealed that the longer he refused to answer the calls, which showed up on the caller ID of the iPhone as “Side Thing,” the more persistent they became. “Want to dip UR quill in my ink?” read one. “I’d selective prosecute U,” read another.

“And then the pics started showing up,” Newell said. “At first there were some nice down the shirt angles. But then there were so many bicep shots I had to wonder what was going on.”

Although Newell has been told it’s not common practice to re-issue government phones at Petraeus’ level, evidence has been leading him strongly to the conclusion the phone really did belong to Petraeus.

“It’s the strangest thing,” said Newell. “But I wasn’t really sure until I found all this classified information on it.”

While Newell waits for his ticket to IT to be answered, he has received texts ranging from “UR Still my CO,” to “Write a book about trial 2gthr?”

“I’ve never replied,” Newell said. “By now, she has to know I’m not him. But lately I’m not even sure I want a new number.”

“I kind of have a crush on her,” he added.

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