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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Wednesday, 30 September 2026

Army

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

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Vol. 15 · No. 117

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Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Deployed worldwide

Wednesday

30 September 2026

2141 Zulu

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Army · Page 4

Politically correct officer unsure who enemy should be in wargame

Filed · 1539

FORT IRWIN, Calif. — An intelligence planner missed his order submission deadline today after he was unable to determine which enemy U.S. troops should face during an upcoming rotation, sources confirmed.

"Historically, units deploying to the Mojave desert for the Army's biggest war game face an enemy called the 'Donovians,'" said planner Lt. Col. Mitch Sterling, of an enemy force that uses weapons and tactics similar to Russia. "But I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable, especially given the State Department's 'reset' with Russia."

After he realized soldiers would not be able to fight Donovians, Sterling and his staff spent an entire day rewriting the enemy scenario portion of the order, having Americans square off against a regiment from the People’s Republic of China, according to a source close to the planning.

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