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Jim Webb Promises Not to Kill Again if Elected President

LAS VEGAS, Nevada — Just hours after the Democratic Presidential debate was broadcast on CNN, Sen. Jim Webb (D-Va.) made a solemn vow to not kill again if elected President, sources confirmed.

Webb, a former Marine officer and Secretary of the Navy, admitted his comments during the debate about the enemy who wounded him with a grenade not being around to tell about it were maybe “a bit too real” for the liberal crowd, close associates of Webb told reporters.

Though Webb cautioned during a post-debate interview from his freshly-dug two-man fighting position that he had taken a man’s life and wasn’t afraid to do it again.

The 69-year-old tried to further explain his comments that drew shock during the debate: “Look, I know what it looks like when a .45 slug takes a man’s brain and paints a Picasso with it,” he said, while miming brain matter exploding out of the back of his head.

He added: “If you elect me President you won’t have to learn what it looks like too,” said the Vietnam war hero, as he began fashioning a necklace of human ears.

According to close associates, once he’s elected as commander-in-chief, Webb plans to delegate future killing to subordinates since he understands that as a good leader, he needs to foster their development and give them a chance to kill for themselves.

Sources close to Webb confirmed that the Navy Cross recipient won’t “go dropping claymore mines down his opponents chimneys” if they’d just bow out of the race right now. Though when he was asked whether any of if his opponents posed any threat to him, Webb dismissed the entire Democratic field.

“Bernie and Hillary have probably never held a gun let alone watched a man bleed out from a gut wound. And O’Malley and Chafee? I don’t really perceive them as threats, which they should be thankful for.”

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