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Air Force Orders Spencer Stone Placed In Secure Bunker For Rest Of Enlistment

WASHINGTON — The Air Force’s top general has ordered Airman 1st Class Spencer Stone to be placed into a secure bunker for the remainder of his enlistment, Duffel Blog has learned.

“We have to do everything in our power to protect this kid from sharp objects,” Gen. Mark A. Welsh III told reporters in a briefing. “Lord knows what would happen if his supervisor decided to knife-hand him.”

The Air Force medic is still recovering in a Sacramento hospital after being stabbed multiple times in the chest following an altercation outside of a local bar last week. The incident happened less than two months after he was stabbed by a terrorist in France.

“This kid just can’t catch a break,” said Welsh, who plans on promoting Stone to Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force instead of Staff Sergeant, which the Airman 1st Class was due to pin on early next month. “At least if he’s my chief, he’ll maybe sit behind a goddamn desk or something so I won’t have to take calls from the president at 2 a.m. to explain why he keeps getting attacked everywhere he goes.”

After he is released from the hospital, Stone will be transported in a Brinks armored truck to a nearby Air Base, which officials have not named in case any disgruntled airmen come out from behind their keyboards and attack him with voodoo dolls. Once his safety is assured at the base, officials say Stone will be transported to Minot, North Dakota, and placed inside a bunker that is being specially-built to house him.

The Air Force plans to bring Stone outside of the bunker at least once per year to get fresh air and give media interviews, though any contact with other humans will be through the use of a room encased in bullet-proof glass.

The Pentagon plans to protect the airman throughout the remainder of his enlistment until his term of service is up. At that point, protection duty will transfer to the Department of Veterans Affairs, as long as Stone fills out the necessary forms and can survive the approximately 264-day wait before he can transfer to a VA bunker.

Stone received worldwide attention in August after he and three other Americans thwarted a terrorist attack onboard a high-speed passenger train in France. After tackling the terrorist, the 23-year-old received stab wounds to his neck and hand.

He was hailed as a hero for roughly 25 days, until the entire Air Force decided to unify around hating him for something completely out of his control.

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