Candidates Vow To Support Troops With Prepared Statements, Facebook Posts Through Election

Hillary Clinton greets the troops before elections
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WASHINGTON — Presidential hopefuls vowed yesterday to fully support the military with prepared statements and social media posts in the months leading up to the elections.

“Wednesday was Veteran’s Day, ” Anna Epstein, press secretary for GOP candidate Carly Fiorina noted. “But we believe that every day until the election should be Veteran’s Day, and to help raise awareness, we have purchased literally dozens of stock photos of happy troops.”

“Hillary Clinton absolutely cares about the representation of the military across her social media platforms and will do everything to show it until election night,” said Katie Dowd, Director of Social Media for the Clinton campaign. “She has been under fire with our troops, so she wants her brothers and sisters in arms to be a focal point of her brand.”

“We want to do as much as possible to show that we need the troops for 2017’s inevitable WWIII” said Justin McConney, the Director of Social Media for the Donald Trump campaign.

When asked about the World War Three comment, Trump’s press secretary Hope Hicks dismissed it as “another example of media bias by a reporter who shouldn’t be hanging out in the bar of Atlantic City casinos in the wee hours of the morning with women who have rap sheets.”

“We like reporters who don’t do that,” she added.

Alone among GOP candidates, Ben Carson had little to say on the subject, with a spokesman only noting,  “Dr. Carson is a little talked out, vis-a-vis the military.”

Sen. Bernie Sanders promised to give free tuition to the cheapest online community college of choice to all veterans if elected. When told that the G.I Bill already existed for that purpose, his campaign declined to respond.

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One Comment

  1. It’s touching to see candidates pretending to care about our nation’s veterans. Democrats and Republicans can unite around the cause of liking veterans on Facebook.

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