To Top

Doctors Close To Cure For Butthurt Disease

BOB WILSON NAVAL HOSPITAL, Calif. —  After decades of research and development, Naval scientists say they are within reach of a cure for Butthurt Disease, more commonly known as BHD.

“With BHD the rectum gets so inflamed it essentially swallows the rest of the body, making that person an actual, giant asshole,” said lead researcher Doctor Yvette Diaz. “Thus, the puckered frowny-face and shitty attitude.”

According to sources at the Center for Disease Control, BHD is highly contagious and does not discriminate among the ranks, affecting nine out of ten military members throughout their enlistments, often repeatedly.

In March of 2013 the Department of Defense began awarding Purple Hearts for the most severe cases, as the disease left skid-marks all over the psyche of countless troops. The award highlighted the issue and kicked the search for a cure into high hear.

Bob Wilson Naval Hospital landed several key research grants and were also helped by fundraising events. Now in its third year, the Camp Pendleton 10k to Battle Butthurt has been a top contributor by raising awareness, taking donations and offering free butthurt screenings.

“This is my first year,” said Lance Cpl. Kerry Logan from the starting line last Saturday. “I’m running for Pfc. Randy Denton. He booked a suite in Vegas for last Fourth of July’s ninety-six and even had tickets to see the Blue Man Group, and then our platoon sergeant got a DUI and our libo was taken away.”

“He hasn’t been the same ever since,” Logan said. “Honestly, BHD nearly took out our whole unit that weekend. It was horrible.”

Doctors are hoping stories like that will be in the past as they enter the final stretch of clinical trials and await FDA approval.

“Right now the only relief is a DD-214,” said Diaz. “And that’s no longer enough as our nation’s veterans show symptoms of BHD on Facebook walls and comment sections across the internet. The situation is critical, but this cure shines a light of hope out of the dark, gaping hole of despair.”

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
10 months 29 days ago

Paragraph #4, minor typo, I believe you meant to say “for a cure into high gear” vs “hear” . Not butthurt about it, just passing it on. 🙂

10 months 29 days ago

I love it. Fantastic writing. Someone took Yankee 101.

10 months 29 days ago

This is yet another example of government propaganda. Their real “cure” for BHD is get them out of the military and make us civilians have to work, live and play with these people. For this reason, I advise people to no longer send money to the BHD research fund.

10 months 19 days ago

That’s what the DD-214 is for, however it was found ineffective due to the extreme level of contagiousness of the disease causing civilians and even political candidates to contract the disease.
For this reason Congress has authorized a base budget of $534.3 billion for researching a cure to this dread malady for the 2016 fiscal year.
$350 billion has already been earmarked for caviar and champagne for the Officers Club.


More from Navy