CAMP LEJUNE, NC – In a press briefing today, Marine Cpl. Adam Flores issued a public demand to release the birth certificate of Army 2nd Lt. Trevor Lafontaine after the 22-year-old West Point graduate beat the field of 30,000 runners in his first ever Marine Corps Marathon with a time of 2 hours and 24 minutes.
“Lafontaine?” asked Flores, whose peers refer to by his “Semper Pie” nickname. “Not American. What is that? Kenyan? He’s probably from Upanda or somewhere down there, oorah.”
Flores went on to discuss how Lafontaine must have had enough time to train because, “clearly the Army doesn’t have anything better to do than assign this skeleton an MOS of marathon runner.”
Fontaine’s pace averaged out to be less than 5 minutes and 30 seconds per mile, nearly a third of the pace of Flores. “It’s no shock to us Marines that this guy was Army considering all the running from battle they do oorah. He must have left his compass at the starting line and got lost looking for it for 26 miles.”
Flores continued to yell while mowing the lawn about how a urinalysis is needed because, “those stupid black tracksuits aren’t that improved.”