WASHINGTON—Presidential candidate and military prep school veteran Donald Trump was revealed this morning to actually be Russian President Vladimir Putin wearing an outlandish hairpiece. The revelation came after weeks of investigation by the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the State Department.
“We really can’t comment at this time,” said FBI spokeswoman Michael P. Kortan, “except to say that Trump is definitely Prime Minister Putin. This is strictly off the record, but you can quote me on that. And this investigation has nothing to do with the fact that in most polls, Trump would handily win over any Democrat opponent. The FBI is not at all a political organization.”
Kortan then added that she would take any questions about the investigation into the Tea Party.
Investigators and watchdog groups were first alerted to the Trump/Putin impersonation when it was pointed out that the two were never seen in public together.
“The failure of two arrogant loudmouth braggarts to ever appear in the same place, at the same time, spoke volumes by itself,” according to Chris Farrell, Director of Investigations at Judicial Watch. “From there, it was just a matter of putting together the pieces.”
“In retrospect it makes so much sense that I’m surprised we didn’t realize sooner,” said Diplomatic Security Special Agent Derek McDaniel. “Who would claim that a couple years in a paramilitary reform school is the same as being a combat veteran, other than the same colossal ego that justifies the forcible annexation of huge swaths of Georgia and Ukraine by claiming that it’s merely ‘protecting ethnic Russians’?”
Suspicions were reinforced, McDaniel added, when investigators noticed that both Putin and Trump have been romantically involved with a long series of “models” that are essentially extremely high-end prostitutes.
In light of revelation, the Federal Election Commission has rescinded its approval of Trump’s campaign announcement paperwork, declaring him ineligible to seek election to the American Presidency. Putin/Trump, in spite of this, insisted that he will continue to campaign.
“The FEC is a buncha yuuuuge loosahs,” said Trump/Putin during a press conference from the bow of a yacht named Trump’s Pride, which is currently docked in the swimming pool of a larger yacht named Trump’s Talent. “I bet they’re all a buncha broads with tiny boobs. Maybe they need a little roughing up. They got no class. I’m not gonna stop campaigning. To the White House, comrades! Boosh moi, I mean, uh, God Bless America!”