OpEd: Male Troops, Aged 18 – 19, Welcome At My Home For Thanksgiving

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The following is written by Susie Cougarcrotch

FAYETTEVILLE, NC — Oh, hello there. I’m so glad you’re here. It gets awfully lonely for a widow in this big, old mansion all by myself. Let me slip into something more comfortable before we talk.

Now that I’ve got my casual silk robe and tassels on let’s lay on this bear skin rug by the fire and discuss my offer to have any male troops, aged 18 – 19, over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Why would I offer such a thing? Because I care about our soldiers and don’t want any of those brave young men … those muscular, virile, chained, tied and oiled-up, slippery young men writhing around down in my damp, cold basement, desperate for someone to warm them up and …

Oh dear, where was I? Ah, yes, I don’t want any of our nation’s heroes spending the holiday alone.

Plus it’s hard for an old southern belle like myself to make a Thanksgiving meal on her lonesome, and I’m sure some of my guests would be master basters with the turkey and a big help with the cream pies. And it’d be a shame if I didn’t have anyone to tug on the ‘ol wishbone with, don’t you agree?

You look uncomfortable. Is it the way I’m trying to slide these zip ties around your wrists, darling? Oh, we do have fun.

Well, I’ll let you go so you can get the word out. I’ve put an ad up on Craigslist with the details if you want to share that, too. The pieces of man-meat, oh pardon me, troops. The troops are welcome to arrive any time Thanksgiving Day and stay as long as I’d, oopsie, I mean as long as they’d like.

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