TWENTYNINE PALMS, CALIF. — Marine officials announced they have apprehended Lance Cpl. Jennifer Cruz for defacing port-a-johns throughout the Twentynine Palms area with pictures of vaginas and clitorises.
Waiving her rights to speak to an attorney, Cruz said, “The whole time I’ve been out here, I’ve been thinking of getting my clam slammed by footlong cock. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, I’ve been obsessed with drawing pictures of pussy.”
“Fuck if I can explain it.”
NCIS claims they had been hot on Cruz’ snail trail for weeks, even though she proved to be hard to get initially.
“We were mystified,” said NCIS Special Agent Steve Michaelson. “We just couldn’t figure out who was writing ‘Wagner luvs puss’ all over the port-a-johns.”
“I mean, obviously Wagner must be an alpha chick who’s hooked up with half the guys in her local area. But does she like pussy as well?” Michaelson asked. “It’s quite baffling.”
Forensics art critics were confident, however, the elusive artist was a female.
“Usually, when guys draw a vagina, it’s completely wrong,” according to Serge Hirshorn, an art analyst who consults with NCIS. “This vagina was actually anatomically correct. It even had a clitoris and everything.”
Cruz was especially proud of her rendition of a clitoris bulging from beneath her perfectly-formed lips.
Marine Pfc. Joshua Neville, who first reported the vagina drawings, had to have the details explained to him. When the clitoris in particular was pointed out, he simply responded, “Huh, never noticed that before.”