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ISIS Shows Mercy Through Indiscriminate Mass Murder

MOSUL, Iraq — The Islamic State continues their quest to create a nation following the teachings of Allah, the Infinitely Merciful and Compassionate Lord, through mass murder of innocents, sources report.

The attacks in Paris and Beirut were another step in creating a more peaceful world according to ISIS’ practice of Islam, the sources add.

The Islamic State, or “Daesh,” uses suicide bombers to kill innocents in accordance with the Islamic teachings to not kill innocents or commit suicide. The group also burns captives alive, in order to properly interpret the surahs that, “No one may punish using fire other than the Lord of the Fire (Allah),” “It is not befitting for anyone to punish using fire, other than the Lord of the Fire (Allah),” and “Do not punish with the punishment of Allah!”

“Our attacks were condemned worldwide, like all our actions,” says Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the self-proclaimed “Caliph.” “It is a simple misunderstanding, everyone else in the world is incorrect. It is a shame seven billion people do not believe they deserve to be beheaded. We alone follow Allah, The Most Merciful.”

Experts say it’s this “masterful” interpretation of scripture that attracts people from first world countries.

“They join ISIS in hopes of killing innocents and being hated the world over, as God commands,” says Daesh/ISIS scholar Douglas Rumpleton of Oxford University. “Terrorist tactics and constant air strikes are acceptable to new recruits, but they complain the lack of Starbucks and beauty salons is ‘unbearable,’ and obviously contrary to the Koran.”

“Sadly, fighters from non-Middle Eastern countries often face prejudice at the hands of ISIS leadership and have to wait before they’re allowed to kill themselves.”

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