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Army Replacing Enlistment Bonuses With Welfare Checks



A recruiter explaining in excruciating-but-not-unethical detail how to double a prospect's government assistance. (Photo Credit: US Army).

WASHINGTON — After barely making their 2015 recruiting goal, The United States Army Recruiting Command (USAREC) is eliminating enlistment bonuses in their 2016 recruiting plan in order to heavily target a nearly unending source of manpower: Americans on government assistance.

According to USAToday, it was that demographic — unemployed adults around 35 – 40, with multiple kids, no healthcare, and the need to earn below 185% of the poverty line to maintain their welfare — who miraculously pushed the US Army over their goal earlier this September. Highlighting insanely low enlisted soldiers’ pay and free healthcare, according to government manpower experts, is the next logical step.

Defense Finance and Accounting Services (DFAS) director Teresa A. McKay weighed in on the campaign’s success, explaining how DFAS works cross-functionally with all of the armed forces to ensure that soldiers make “just enough” in case money becomes tight.

“Like any good business we always create ‘back-doors’ and ‘levers’ that we can pull in case funds become strained or unavailable,” said McKay. “By purposely keeping lower enlisted pay rates below U.S. poverty guidelines, we can direct them to US Department of Agriculture (USDA) or state run programs in order to redirect monies to more important programs like the ‘lightning gun,’ next-generation cold weather gear no one is allowed to wear, and the F-35.”

Col. Patrick R. Michaelis, Commander of the Army’s 2nd Recruiting Brigade, championed the “welfare initiative” after learning food stamp usage was on the rise in the military. He says that the strategy is the perfect solution to Millenials who want to send troops overseas but don’t want to do any of the actual fighting.

“The tried-and-true demographic of adults 17 – 24 has been exhausted, literally,” said Michaelis. “From what, I have no idea, but we’re finding Gen X’ers who now take care of their Baby Boomer parents and are more than happy and financially destitute enough to join the military.”

Former president Bill Clinton, who signed historic welfare reform legislation in 1995, commended the Army for solving their recruiting problem, but lamented to reporters that “this may really be the end of welfare as we know it.”

“No, really,” said Clinton, “the entire US military signed up for government assistance and simultaneously bankrupted programs in all 50 states.”

Jack S. McQuack makes-up the news to make the world a more interesting place and to avoid doing actual work. Please contact him if you would like him to make up stuff for you, too. Please. For the love God, contact him.

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Air Force

Air Force decreases deployments to Afghanistan to a 3-hour tour



PENTAGON – Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson announced today that the Air Force would limit future rotations to Afghanistan to a three-hour tour with free lunch.

“These exotic tours should hit peak efficiency by limiting Air Force personnel to groups of five or so. The limited duration will keep burnout low and enthusiasm high.” said Wilson. “We’ll put America’s Airmen on expertly skippered three-hour tours.”

“A three-hour tour,” echoed Wilson’s aide.

The shortened tours are expected to increase the likelihood of Air Force Reserve personnel with unique civilian skill sets – such as professors, movie stars, millionaires, and millionaires’ wives – to volunteer for deployments.

“We used to require lengthy pre-deployment training,” Wilson added. “Today’s airmen don’t even need to pack. They’ll be on the ground for three hours.”

Wilson, who also introduced the new C-130M Minnow, emphasized how easy it was to get out of Afghanistan efficiently before concluding the press conference.

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Trump Cancels Afghanistan War Due to Weather



WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference.

Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere.

“At first, we thought about just postponing it,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “But ultimately, we got together and decided that you really can’t predict the weather, so we felt it was best to just cancel the whole thing.”

“Nobody was going to show up anyway,” Sanders continued. “Most people didn’t even know it was going on in the first place. Hell, Ezra Klein didn’t even know we were at war five days ago.”

A redeployment effort began immediately, with members of the Army striking tents at all forward operating bases and organizing airlift back to U.S. and European bases. Air Force bases throughout the middle east have already set their Nest thermostats to “vacation” mode to save energy. Approximately 8,000 U.S. troops have already begun packing their bags, though even that has been difficult due to the rain.

“I’ve got all these first edition comic books that I brought with me, and I’m really scared about what all this moisture is going to do to them,” said 2nd Lt. Michael Skewski. “First edition, man.”

Although the decision has drawn criticism from many who say that the Taliban will exploit this opportunity to regain power in most of war-torn Afghanistan, members of the enemy forces have shown equal reluctance to fight in such dreary conditions.

“We’re in agreement with the decision to cancel the Afghanistan war,” said Salah bin Sadiqi, representative of the Taliban. “Have you ever tried to plant an IED in wet ground? You just keep digging, and the mud keeps flowing back into the hole. It takes, like, infinite time. Total mess.”

“Trouble is,” said Khalid al Akhtar, a suicide bomber, “I had already pressed the button when I got word that the war was cancelled. Now I’ll have to keep my finger on this trigger right here for the rest of my life if I don’t want to blow up. Seriously though, who wants to die in the rain?”

President Donald Trump has declared that the war is to be canceled immediately and has been looking at weather reports for the last several days. Some gathering clouds over Seoul, South Korea, have sparked talks about closing all U.S. bases in southeast Asia.

Dirty contributed to this post.

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Army creates cyborg that can become homeless alcoholic 200 times faster than human counterparts



YouTube Screenshot/Isaac Arthur

WASHINGTON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) announced today their development of a hybrid man-machine soldier that can become a booze-soaked, homeless wreck more quickly than humans, exceeding Defense Department goals.

Engineers at DARPA designed the Cybernetic-Human Integrated Patrol Infantryman (CHIPI) for the Army and assigned it the Military Occupational Specialty 11T (Terminator). CHIPI performed admirably as an infantry killing machine during his first assignment in Afghanistan.

The Army assigned CHIPI to the Pentagon in a complete mismatch to his skills, a common procedure.

“We thought CHIPI’s super-human strength and intelligence could improve the speed of Army staff work,” said DARPA spokesman Mitch Burmeister. “It seemed to make sense at the time.”

“On his first day, CHIPI was productive for about two hours, which is more than we get out of most colonels,” Burmeister said. “But then his artificial intelligence algorithms rapidly processed that his work was pointless, the leadership sucked, and being sidelined out of his job field, his prospects for promotion were zero.”

“Like many redeploying infantrymen, CHIPI also realized that few job prospects exist in the civilian world for a super soldier whose primary skills are working long shifts and instantaneously shooting things with amazing accuracy, at least not outside of the St. Louis Police Department,” he added.

Within one day, CHIPI resigned and processed his own discharge. With no need to sleep for his cybernetic body, CHIPI had blown his entire savings on alcohol, sports cars, and video games by the end of the weekend.

“He married and divorced two strippers in 20 minutes and that was while slamming tequila and playing ‘Assassin’s Creed,’ nonstop,” said Burmeister. “That beat the previous record held by a Marine lance corporal at Camp Lejeune.”

“Usually it takes months or years for people to lose their shit this completely. He really exceeded our expectations,” he added.

Based on this success, DARPA plans to develop a cybernetic Veterans Affairs employee that can provide the same recovery assistance 200 times less efficiently than human counterparts.

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Grim Reaper to dress as Secretary Mattis for Halloween



MEXICO CITY — Speaking to reporters at his Día de los Muertos press conference, the Grim Reaper confirmed that he will dress as U.S. Secretary of Defense James Mattis when he goes trick or treating with his daughter this Halloween.

“I’m a huge fan,” the spiritual embodiment of death told reporters today. “I think the body of work — and the bodies — really speaks for itself.”

The Grim Reaper went on to explain the thinking behind his decision.

“I know most of you were expecting me to do a dictator costume, but I’m not about to repeat last year’s debacle where I had to keep explaining that Myanmar is a country and not a Game of Thrones character,” he said. “All the dictators have been driving me crazy as of late. Bashar is all about buffer zones now. It’s freaking amateur hour over there in Saudi Arabia, and Putin won’t turn his stupid laptop off.”

“Besides, it’s one thing to kill your own defenseless people, it’s another to take down a heavily armed, suicidal army entrenched in a city made entirely of IEDs while two governments look over your shoulder,” he added. “I don’t see any Chinese generals doing that in Xinjiang Province.”

The Grim Reaper went on to describe how he will be dressing as classic Mattis in a woodlands MOPP suit, flak, Kevlar and captured PKM over his shoulder.

When asked what his daughter will be dressed as, the Grim Reaper sighed and said, “Elsa from Frozen — again. Next question.”

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Alarming study shows average officers indulge in merely five rosewater scones per day



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WASHINGTON —  Sagacious officers across all branches of the armed forces are only indulging in five rosewater scones per day on the average, according to a report released today.

The 14-page study, published in this month’s issue of online food journal “Gastronomica”, shows that the palates of our nation’s leaders have changed dramatically over the last two decades, moving away from almond-flour sweets towards more rustic, custard-based desserts.

“We are extremely concerned that commissioned officers are trying to relate with the enlisted by eschewing the food of their forefathers,” said Pentagon spokeswoman Col. Lucretia Portendorfer. “While admirable, it is hardly becoming of an officer of these United States to be noshing on Manchester tart and tipsy cake with soldiers who are supposed to respect them.”

Other floured delicacies are also facing a decline in dinner party merriment. Where sablés, clafoutis, tuiles, madeleines, and financiers composed over 95 percent of every officer’s post-repast snacks, their consumption has steadily declined to a record low of 90 percent. Llewelyn Davies, chancellor hostis humani generis of the Society of Cincinnati branch responsible for the study, told reporters that he hasn’t seen this kind of dessert decline since the Great Macaron Crisis of 2002.

“The drop in delicate, crumbly dessert bread being consumed by America’s lords and ladies is due to many factors,” said Davies. “We can’t put our finger on just one, but from the lack of effulgent confectioneries outside most military installations, to bothersome crumbs soiling their finely starched waistcoats, we are seeing a major shift among all commissioned ranks in the consumption of delicate finger foods.”

As the Pentagon tries to determine the root cause of the recent downturn in deportment, leaders from around the military are hardly ruffling their cravats about the results of the study.

“The geopolitical landscape is always changing and our nation’s leaders have to be able to change with it,” said Lt. Col. Septimus Nithercott III. “Gone are the days of officers sitting on their laurels and stuffing their faces with whatever second-rate panna cotta they can get their well-manicured hands on. Today’s leaders need to be flexible, three dimensional, and ready to deal with whatever tarte à la bouillie gets thrown at them.”

A compromise may be on the horizon, however, with the unveiling of Officer-specific MREs arriving in late 2020. The MREs will be an “L-shaped ambush for the senses,” according to the U.S. Army Research Institute of Environmental Medicine’s Military Nutrition Division official press release. Not only will it bolster the waning petite French cookie industry, but the delectable bagged collations will also contain perennial officer favorites such as a foie gras, escargots de Bourgogne, rosbif à l’alsacienne, and dehydrated 1982 Bourdeuax Cheval Blanc.

Intrepid Duffel Blog reporters Blonds Over Baghdad and Dick Scuttlebutt contributed to this report.

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US forces did stuff in Afghanistan or something



WASHINGTON — US forces reportedly did stuff in Afghanistan or something in an attack on whomever in some place in whatever province, sources confirmed today.

Gen. He’s Lying To You praised the operation, telling reporters that this was the most effective use of munition that hasn’t been effective since the Gulf War.

“We were absolutely surgical with this strike, you can guarantee that,” he said of the bombing, which killed two members of a militant group with a scary-sounding name as well as 47 civilians.

Central Command Spokesman Who Gives A Crap confirmed things definitely happened and you probably don’t care.

“It may have been effective, or it may not have been,” said Mouthpiece For The Global Military Industrial Complex. “Honestly, no one has a clue what they are doing or why they are doing it, but we thought we would share a piece of news to make it look like we are making headway.”

“We are definitely turning the corner,” she added.

Defense Secretary It Doesn’t Even Matter says this is all part of the Pentagon’s renewed focus on Buzzword For An Impossible To Understand Strategy, which has seen impressive gains for Afghan government forces in the last – what year is it?

“I don’t know,” said Lt. Col. Pending UCMJ For Sexual Assault. “We climbed a mountain, then we climbed another mountain, then we dropped a bunch of bombs, and then we came back. It was just like, whatever, you know?”

Other people were quick to criticize all of the stuff, especially Sen. I Almost Served In Vietnam.

“We demand a robust strategy argle bargle,” said Wasting Your Breath. “This has been going on for, like, ever now, and it needs to stop.”

Bad Fitting Pant Suit With 1980’s Hair echoed his sentiments, adding that “America can’t stomach another thing” and “she literally can’t even” with the situation.

“We need a plan to make a plan to prevent our plans from failing like all the other plans,” said I Support The Troops.

Anyway, sometime in the near future the military people and members of Congress planned to hold hearings and do other stuff to make sure that America doesn’t do this again. Maybe. Or not. Whatever.

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Air Force

Air Force removes baptism from basic training graduation requirements



WASHINGTON — The Air Force announced today that it would no longer require recruits to become baptized Christians in order to graduate basic training following yet another bout of criticism over bias from Air Force leaders who identify as evangelicals.

Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson addressed the change in policy in a press conference at the Pentagon.

“After deep prayer and reflection, we have concluded that Jesus will just have to enter all of our new airmen’s hearts in His own way,” Wilson said. “We pray for our Lord and Savior’s grace and forgiveness in this matter.”

The move comes amid increasing scrutiny from groups like the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF) who say leaders are pushing their religious beliefs in inappropriate ways. By removing the baptism requirement, the Air Force hopes to tamp down mounting controversy.

The MRFF says there still is room for improvement.

“I mean, for goodness sake, the Air Force Academy – an engineering school that is supposed to mass produce pilots – has outsourced all science and engineering classes to Focus on the Family,”  said MRFF President Mikey Weinstein, an academy graduate himself. “We’ve got a generation of aviators and potential astronauts who think that gravity is the devil trying to suck them down into hell and that Elijah’s magic chariot dust is what propels them into the air.”

The Air Force is exploring other moves to further address concerns of organizations like the MRFF. Proposed ideas include discontinuing punishments for airmen who do not attend Bible study on a weekly basis and no longer issuing chastity belts to females in the service.

“We’ll continue to seek guidance from our pastors, and we also intend to check the Constitution again to see if there’s an amendment about Jesus in there” said Wilson.

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Air Force

Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.



ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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