Navy Downgraded To ‘Regional Force For Good’

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PERSIAN GULF — Following the recent capture and release of two US Navy riverine war vessels by Iran on Tuesday, the Navy has officially rebranded itself as a “Regional Force for Good,” sources report. The Navy backed off from its previous “Global Force For Good” branding earlier this year, replacing it with a series of giant red blobs meant to emphasize “presence.”

“Let’s be honest,” Adm. John Richardson, Chief of Naval Operations said. “The F-35 has sucked our budget dry like one of those Twilight vampires giving a horny teenager an undeath-hickey.”

“We can’t afford to be in more than a couple places at a time, and once we get there, we usually have to fire the skipper and come right home.”

Though the new brand had been under consideration for some time, he contentious “catch and release” of 10 Navy sailors in Iranian waters prompted a rapid decision on it. The Navy has not announced how these sailors let their boats drift into Iranian territory, although some are blaming the Naval Academy’s Celestial Navigation training.

The sailors were released without harm, but Navy officials are scrambling to manage the negative optics of the situation.

“We thought about playing it off as a stunt raising awareness for the ‘Hands Up Don’t Shoot’ initiative,” a Navy public affairs official admitted, “but ultimately we decided to just pull a Blackwater and re-brand instead.”

“We’ve really been a regional force since Clinton anyway,” Richardson added. “‘Global’ set the bar too high, and between scary Chinese island-building and sequestration, we’re just not living up to our advertisements. Regional is definitely more in our comfort zone.”

Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus revealed another spin during a press conference, remarking that “this historic event with Iran proves that women can be prisoners of war just as well as men can. I look to the Marine Corps to emulate this shining example.”

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  1. This Just In –

    (via Reuters): Iranian Republican Guard announces retention of the American sailors’ weapons “to prevent them from hurting themselves”.

    (and via WaPo): Pentagon announces immediate award of (newly-instituted) Peace Preservation Medal to all 9 male sailors involved in the perilous engagement. Ordinary Seaperson 3rd-Class Monika Pfalz-Horkheim has received field promotion to Lt.-Commander, and award of the venerable but never-before-presented Order of the Itchy Kitty. Citation follows:

    “at one point during her captivity, Seaperson Pfalz-Horkheim removed her burqua, threw it on the ground, and issued a loud expletive. Whereupon an Iranian guard put it back on her head and remarked: “keep it on or we’ll glue it on”.

  2. The rebranding was actually triggered by acute embarrassment over the fact that Iran learned that all US military equipment really is made by the lowest bidder.
    Revolutionary guard forces were quoted saying, “We looked, *nothing* works, it’s worse than cheap Chinese junk! And worse, the Satan Navy didn’t even provide the crew with paddles! We gave them the gift of paddles for their broken boats.”

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