CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Preliminary results of the Rand Corporation’s anonymous 2015 DoD Health Related Behaviors Survey confirm that Spc. Jeff R. Higgins, age 33, of 340 Dover St., Brandon, Iowa — not to be confused with another respondent, Spc. Jeff G Higgins of Alpena, Mich. — indicated that he enjoyed alcohol “some of the time.” Higgins’ responses have given RAND officials some concern.
He and other service members, rank E1 – E4, recently deployed, and currently assigned to Alpha Company, 2-327th Infantry, randomly received emails from Rand highly encouraging them to complete the survey. Out of the 135 service members chosen, a remarkable 100% of respondents completed the survey of their own volition, all under the watchful eye of their first line supervisor.
“They said names were optional, but since it was supposed to be anonymous I didn’t think it would matter,” Higgins said. “Plus my chain of command suggested we fill it out as completely as possible. By the way, how did you get my information again?”
The results, according to the Pentagon, are not surprising, and reinforce current presumptions about the health and welfare of service members suspected by their chain of command of heavy alcohol consumption, malingering during PT, and stealing 1st Sgt. Peter Dunlop’s yogurt out of the unit refrigerator.
“We are pleased to provide Defense with another unbiased and completely discreet report to help the military’s leaders evaluate unit readiness,” said Rand’s Vice President of Army Research Division Lena Dolman. “I would also like to add that we at Rand hope that Higgins gets the help he so desperately needs so can move out of the barracks and back with his wife and children.”
“Assuming his children are released from the custody of the state, that is.”
When questioned on Rand’s findings about senior officers, Dolman politely denied to answer, highlighting the sensitive nature of the information.
“What I can tell you is that the data provided by senior leaders in the military confirms what we already know,” said Dolman. “In officers there are high levels of narcissism and obsessive compulsive disorder, while in NCOs there are extremely high levels of schizoid/antisocial disorder coupled with alcohol and tobacco dependencies.”
“I’m looking at you, Sgt. Dunlop.”
Dolman added that it is odd that this information has not been made public since the survey has yielded exactly the same results every year since the inception of Rand’s Army Research Division in 1982.
Following the finalization of the 2015 DoD Health Related Behaviors Survey, Rand has been directed to perform another anonymous survey entitled the 2015 Female Reproductive Health and Preference Survey. Sources indicate fit, single females age 18 – 23 have already been randomly selected to respond.