Army To Keep 450,000 Soldiers If It Gets 450,000 ‘Likes’
Washington, D.C. — The Army is turning to social media to save its active-duty end-strength, sources confirm. The Army and Congress have agreed that for every “like” its personnel plans receive above 420,000, the Army will be allowed to keep one additional personnel slot.
The Army has been facing heavy troop cuts in difficult fiscal times. Reductions will run from a war-time high of 570,000 soldiers to a potential low of 420,000 soldiers.
Army leadership panicked when the Air Force’s mission-critical Tops In Blue performance group was recently shut down.
“If they’re gone, who’s safe?” asked outgoing Army Secretary John McHugh. “Non-essential fields like Explosive Ordnance Disposal, Artillery and the Quartermaster Corps are definitely on the chopping block. We’ve got to pull out all the stops to try and save these soldiers.”
With the agreement, enlisted soldiers with less than 10 years of service are being tasked with preserving the senior service’s strength.
“Most of these guys spend 90% of their time on their phones, on social media anyway,” said Army Chief of Staff Mark Milley, stumbling through a Teleprompter speech. “For every ‘like’ we get on the Internet, the [House] Armed Services Committee has tentatively agreed to let us keep an additional war-fighter.”
Milley struggled to clarify a slide explaining the "like" and "poke" features on Facebook. He was not sure if "retweets" constituted endorsement, and if that would count towards the total.
Senators were moderately enthused about the campaign.
“We really don’t have time for any more confusing hearings about ‘readiness’ and ‘manpower’ before my Armed Services Committee,” Sen. Ted Cruz said. “We’re just leaving it up to social media now – if the army can get the likes they can keep their soldiers. What are their odds anyways? The public only cares about the military for a week after a hard-hitting, authentic movie like Battleship comes out. “
The Army’s campaign is expected to begin next week, as soon as the leadership can figure out how to reset their passwords.