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Illicit Relationship Between S3 And S4 Is Logistical Operations Nightmare

FORT DRUM, N.Y.—An illicit relationship between Maj. Melanie Cruz, S3 of 1st Battalion, 23rd Infantry Personnel Service Battalion, and Capt. Trevor Hinds, S4, has become a logistical operations nightmare.

“You would think that a relationship between your logistics and operations officer would be flawlessly executed with the millions of dollars the army put into their training, but they keep fucking it up,” said Capt. Sarah Bradley, Battalion S1 and Cruz’s former roommate. “But time after time, she’s making plans and canceling. And he’s running out of condoms.”

Hinds, who is happily married to his high school sweetheart, has been carrying on the relationship for months unnoticed.

“The only person who noticed I’m sneaking off with Melanie is Maj. [Roger] Carter [Unit S6],” said Hinds. “But I think my secret is safe. We all know that Sig-o’s can’t communicate for shit.”

“You have no idea how much work it is to carry on an affair,” said Cruz. “Finding new hotels to meet at during lunch, coordinating signals for when it’s time to leave and go make out in parking lot. I wish I could delegate this shit out to one of my battle captains.”

Hinds concurs.

“Getting a yaba daba doo phone, withdrawing small amounts of cash per day so my wife won’t notice the expensive gifts I buy for Melanie … It’s a lot of risk and a lot of future planning just to cheat on my wife.”

Sources around battalion staff report that the telltale signs are obvious, but droned out by 1st Lt. Roger Jenkins, Battalion S2, who continues to disclose the details of his personal life to others without need to know.

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Too many S’s

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I drew an association matrix to keep them all straight.

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