Pentagon Announces Gender Neutral Hair Standards

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THE PENTAGON — Following the conclusion of a lengthy period of focused testing and evaluation, the Department of Defense is poised to mandate full gender neutral integration of hair standards across the US military.

The Defense study, conducted at the request of Secretary Ashton Carter earlier last year, sought to thoroughly analyze the effects of fully integrated hairstyles in the ranks. It received sharp criticism from many familiar with the issue.

“For far too long, the US military has propagated an environment of double standards, lowered expectations, and lame-ass haircuts,” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford, running his fingers through his luscious mane, working carefully to wrap the flowing locks into a compact, gender nonconforming “War Bun” atop his head.

“It is time we are all on the same sheet of music,” Dunford added, “and it pleases me to announce today the conclusion of a rigorous testing process, one in which the participants were handpicked, and the results ignored.”

Sen. John McCain, speaking during a Senate Armed Services Committee after being briefed on the hair study, accused the Department of Defense of wanting to turn the US military into a “prancing band of useless Beliebers”.

Speaking next, Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley removed his beret to reveal a haircut showcasing skin on the sides, leading up to a thick mop of hair combed straight back. “As you can see with my sweet Macklemore cut, mandating gender fluid haircuts like mine will make the force more modern, relevant, and culturally appropriate.”

As servicemembers across the country lined up outside hair salons to receive their androgynous hairstyles, one young sailor expressed surprising excitement. “I’ve been trying to not look like a Marine while on liberty for 3 years! Finally I’ll be able to fit in with our accepting society and not have to explain to everyone how I’m not really a baby killer.”