Soldiers thrilled by new DoD sperm storage program that allows masturbation on duty

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced last week a new retention initiative, offering to store eggs and sperm for the service members whose reproductive organs the Pentagon has spent years of irradiating. Officials are hoping that this incentive will help retain service-members of child-bearing age, sources said.

“We have done unspeakable harm to our service members’ genitals,” Surgeon General of the Army Nadja West confirmed. “It’s much better going forward to save their eggs and sperm before that damage is done.”

Civilian doctors agree that after years of exposure to carcinogens from burn pits and radiation from satellites and counter-IED technology, service members are likely to produce “something like an Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings.”

“Military families are already under enough stress,” Secretary of Defense Ash Carter added, “so we’re taking some of that pressure off by throwing cryogenics and long-term family planning into the mix.”

Officials added that they were still working out the legal and ethical questions, including questions about “what percentage [of the eggs and sperm] we are allow to covertly conduct experiments with.”

Thus far female troops have been reluctant to take part in the program, while male service members have seen their sperm-donation times restricted to one hour a day.

“They let me beat my dick during duty hours!” an enthusiastic Pvt. Russell Jones said. “What? No, I’m not planning on starting a family.”

Critics of the initiative point out DOD’s past troubles with inventory control, such as when they recently sent live anthrax samples across the globe.

“Look, nobody bats a thousand,” Pentagon Press Secretary Peter Cook acknowledged. “But worst case your future baby could be sent Space-A to Spain or Cuba. Could be a helluva lot worse, alright?”