LACKLAND AFB, TX — A military judge has condemned a vulgar Marine to serve out the remainder of his enlistment in the United States Air Force in order to become more civilized, a military court has announced.
“This Marine obviously needs more culture,” said Lt. Col. Roger Holloman, the presiding judge, “and the Air Force is the best place to reform his ‘potty mouth’ and boorish mannerisms.”
The ruling comes after Lance Cpl. Francis Laurent, a decorated infantryman, landed himself in hot water by embarrassing his commanding officer by using vulgarity and putting his hands in his pockets in front of a distinguished visitor.
Laurent was charged with violating Article 89 of the UCMJ, which addresses disrespecting a superior commissioned officer. Instead of throwing him in the brig or sending him to Twentynine Palms, however, Holloman decided that Laurent should be given a chance for reform by being transferred to the Air Force so he can learn to act somewhat sophisticated.
Lt. Gen. Darryl Roberson, head of Air Education and Training Command, gave further details, explaining how Laurent will learn the finer things in life via an AF etiquette coach.
“Once he fully integrates into the Air Force, his coach will teach him to utilize eating utensils, use toilet paper to wipe, and conduct himself in polite society,” Roberson elaborated. “Along the way, he shall also attend Toastmasters meetings and become proficient in gentlemanly skills, such as playing golf.”
“I don’t get why my CO made such a big fucking deal,” said a clearly angry Laurent. “Since when does an admiral mind a bit of harsh language? I guess the expression ‘cursing like a sailor’ is bullshit after all.”
At present, Laurent is in-processing at Lackland, waiting for the next Prior-Service Orientation Course to begin. Despite being miffed at having to trade his beloved MARPATs for digital tiger-stripes, Laurent is trying to maintain a positive attitude amidst his circumstances.
“I might as well use my last few days in this uniform to try and score some Air Force pussy.”
Update: Duffel Blog has learned that an airman from Laurent’s gaining unit has been put on trial for multiple DUIs, bar fights, and seducing his commander’s wife; he has since been sentenced to serve out the rest of his contract in the Marine Corps.
Duffel Blog writer Jack S. McQuack contributed to this article.