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Vulgar Marine Sentenced To Finish Enlistment In Air Force


LACKLAND AFB, TX — A military judge has condemned a vulgar Marine to serve out the remainder of his enlistment in the United States Air Force in order to become more civilized, a military court has announced.

“This Marine obviously needs more culture,” said Lt. Col. Roger Holloman, the presiding judge, “and the Air Force is the best place to reform his ‘potty mouth’ and boorish mannerisms.”

The ruling comes after Lance Cpl. Francis Laurent, a decorated infantryman, landed himself in hot water by embarrassing his commanding officer by using vulgarity and putting his hands in his pockets in front of a distinguished visitor.

Laurent was charged with violating Article 89 of the UCMJ, which addresses disrespecting a superior commissioned officer. Instead of throwing him in the brig or sending him to Twentynine Palms, however, Holloman decided that Laurent should be given a chance for reform by being transferred to the Air Force so he can learn to act somewhat sophisticated.

Lt. Gen. Darryl Roberson, head of Air Education and Training Command, gave further details, explaining how Laurent will learn the finer things in life via an AF etiquette coach.

“Once he fully integrates into the Air Force, his coach will teach him to utilize eating utensils, use toilet paper to wipe, and conduct himself in polite society,” Roberson elaborated. “Along the way, he shall also attend Toastmasters meetings and become proficient in gentlemanly skills, such as playing golf.”

“I don’t get why my CO made such a big fucking deal,” said a clearly angry Laurent. “Since when does an admiral mind a bit of harsh language? I guess the expression ‘cursing like a sailor’ is bullshit after all.”

At present, Laurent is in-processing at Lackland, waiting for the next Prior-Service Orientation Course to begin. Despite being miffed at having to trade his beloved MARPATs for digital tiger-stripes, Laurent is trying to maintain a positive attitude amidst his circumstances.

“I might as well use my last few days in this uniform to try and score some Air Force pussy.”

Update: Duffel Blog has learned that an airman from Laurent’s gaining unit has been put on trial for multiple DUIs, bar fights, and seducing his commander’s wife; he has since been sentenced to serve out the rest of his contract in the Marine Corps.

Duffel Blog writer Jack S. McQuack contributed to this article.

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  1. Personally, I wouldn’t believe anything from duffle bag. Being an Air Force Retiree this whole story reeks of bullshit.

    • It’s satire, not news. The entire site is satirical, not “news”.

      sat·ire ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/ noun – the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

      synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn, caricature

  2. Wait. That TSgt TI has eight rows of ribbons, and his highest is only an AFCM? And I’m looking at the trainees; they all have a full three-ribbon row. WTF?

    • As you can probably tell, the vast majority of them are participation trophies, with a few unit awards thrown in there (AF wears them in their rack while Army wears them on the right). Plus, he’s prior service Army so there are a pile of fire guard ribbons from his time there, too.

      As for the trainees, I see AF training and NDSM (shadows make it like there are more).

      If you’re distinguished honor grad I think there’s a ribbon for that as well as marksmanship and an achievement medal as well if you’re top grad in all of the squadrons graduating that day… I think… it’s been a while since I attended an Air Force BMT graduation. So in theory, if you’re hot shit you can walk out the gates at Lackland wearing up to 4 ribbons. Day 1 at your unit you can pin GWOT iirc.

    • Yes, he can, because the revised dress and appearance instruction for the AF placed the “no hands in pockets” line subordinate to a paragraph that includes a qualifier. I brought it up to the ODA folks, but they either don’t understand how paragraphs and sub-paragraphs work or they’re a bunch of idiots or both.

      Here’s the AFI:

      2.13.7. When in uniform or civilian clothes (in an official capacity) the following actions are prohibited while walking or in a formation, including organized or unit PT. Note: Membersshould also consult AFI 34-1201, Protocol and AFPAM 36-2241, Professional DevelopmentGuide, for protocol, customs and courtesies. Do not stand or walk with hand(s) in pocket(s), except to insert or remove an item.

      As you can see, if the criteria of 2.13.7 isn’t met, then does not apply. There are 2 more sub-paragraphs that require the criteria of 2.13.7 to be met as well before they apply: Do not smoke or use smokeless products in other than designated smoking areas. Do not consume food and/or beverage while walking in uniform. Exception: Beverages may be authorized during wear of PT uniform and commanders may authorize food and/or beverage consumption during special functions. Note: While walking in uniform use of personal electronic media devices, including ear pieces, speaker phones or text messaging is limited to emergencies or when official notifications are necessary (see paragraph Military customs and courtesies take precedence.

      For those that would say, “Well, it applies all the time anyway.” You’re not getting it. Also, by that criteria you couldn’t ever smoke or eat in uniform unless specifically authorized.

      For those that would say, “Well, 1.1 says you can’t do it.” You’re probably a Chief. 1.1 uses original/source AFI’s and reiterates in a dumbed-down way the same information. Because whoever drafted that chunk of poo didn’t know how to read the revised 36-2903, there’s an AFI conflict.

  3. In closing, Tit for Tat, great move air force, that last will do the Marine Corps proud!
    Semper Fi

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