Woefully unqualified veteran blames rejection on anti-veteran tech company

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SUNNYVALE, Calif. — Potential buyers for Yahoo’s (NASDAQ: YHOO) businesses reportedly balked today after a Santa Clara County judge allowed a lawsuit seeking $800 million in damages to move forward. The lawsuit, filed by a 20-year-old resident of San Jose and former Army specialist, alleges the company rejected him based on his veteran status.

According to court documents, newly discharged veteran James Rivers, who, until recently, thought “Silicon Valley” was a local gentleman’s club, alleges the hiring managers did not fairly consider him for their Chief Marketing Officer, Chief Development Officer, or Head of North American ad sales, simply because he “served his country with distinction” and not because he lacks the requisite education or experience expected of a Fortune 1000 executive.

“I didn’t give the Army two years of my life to come home to face this kind of treatment,” said Rivers.

“I think it is obvious that they were influenced by the liberal media and afraid of what a hard-charging, motivated Army veteran brings to the table.”

Rivers, who faces the best veteran unemployment rate in nearly eight years, is reportedly tired of having the door slammed in his face by employers looking for candidates with a proven track record of success at the executive level.

He says it is “blatantly obvious” tech companies are anti-veteran and “completely unwilling” to look past both his lengthy criminal record and complete lack of computer skills to consider his “intangibles.”

“They had the nerve to ask how I personally performed while I was fighting for them,” said Rivers, who never left the continental US and was his unit’s designated “MRE guard.”

“It was as if my sacrifice wasn’t enough to justify the seven-figure salary, stock options, and responsibility of leading nearly 3,000 people.”

“Well, I was responsible for the freedom of 319 million people, and that should count for something,” added Rivers about his service, comprised mostly of standing in formation and picking up spent brass.

Yahoo, however, vehemently denies that it acted inappropriately at any time in the interview process, insisting Rivers’ accusations are “unhinged from reality.”

“Rivers originally contacted us because we asked for preliminary bids for our ‘Asian assets,’ which we later found out he interpreted as some sort of escort service,” said Yahoo spokesperson Eva Perez. “Ironically we didn’t want to seem anti-veteran, so we entertained his interest and brought him in for an interview.”

Perez says it ended with Rivers being escorted from the building.

“After he slammed his DD-214 on the table and called everyone traitors, it kind of went south from there,” said Perez.

Despite the most recent setback, Rivers’ confidence remains unshaken, and hopes to “wow” Facebook hiring managers next week with a 16-count manual of arms demonstration.