ATLANTA, Ga – The military’s efforts to provide more opportunities for gender equality, religious expression, and overall sensitivity towards service members have proved popular with many service members. But Army Staff Sgt. (Ret.) Duh Hur Dur isn’t happy, and according to friends has taken to social media in a series of posts and videos voicing his concerns regarding the current climate of the modern military.
“Hur dur ba dur dur!” exclaimed the veteran in a recent video posted on his Facebook page. “Fur da dur hurdy dur DUR!” the video went on to say. Soldiers who have seen the video say the most poignant part came when Hur Dur described the current military leadership as “Bur Durs” and “Lur Bur Dur Bur DUR DUR!”
“I was blown away,” said Gen. Mark Milley, Chief of Staff of the United States Army. “The video was shown to me by our public affairs staff and it completely transformed the way I planned on managing our troops.”
“This guy’s clearly a badass.”
Almost immediately, Senior Army officials implemented plans on scaling back all recent changes “so they don’t affect the overall toughness of the current Army Corps,” as one source put it.
“I think the part where he said ‘Pur dur ba dur dur,’ and began making armpit fart noises is when I realized I’ve been wrong this entire time,” said Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps. “I instantly contacted Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter and told him to HUR DUR DO DUR GUR!”
“This call instantly reversed the pussification of our existing military mindset,” Neller added.
When asked for comment, Hur Dur simply asserted, “DURR!”
Everyone commenting on Hur Dur’s video agreed with his sentiments, in what observers call “a civil and polite conversation on this challenging subject.”