WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps’ top general said he plans to eliminate the service’s tattoo policy in the near future, after an alcohol and testosterone fueled weekend in Las Vegas, sources confirmed.
“There’s really nothing wrong with getting a little ink to show some Marine Corps pride,” Neller reportedly said, while shooting craps at the Tropicana. “Hell, even Smedley Butler had a full chest tattoo of the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor.”
Gen. Robert Neller and Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Ronald Green allegedly spent Friday evening prowling Las Vegas strip clubs and tattoo parlors and raiding Middle-Eastern-themed establishments, according to sources.
Witnesses observed Neller and Green playing Keno at the Golden Nugget and downing Long Island Iced Teas poolside at club Rehab throughout the day. They were eventually spotted stumbling into Bubba’s Tattoo and Piercing at around 3 a.m.
“They staggered in here looking for matching tramp stamps of Chesty Puller,” said Bubba, the owner. “Marines from 29 Palms are in here all the time getting that sort of thing, so it was no problem doing them on the spot.”
The night took a dramatic turn when they were seen partying at a popular strip club with Justin Bieber. After Bieber convinced them to commission him as a colonel on the spot, the three men broke in through the rooftop of the Arabian Nights Dance Club and detained the owner, Khalid Al-Jafar, who they claimed was “definitely on the HVI list.”
Because of a 2-for-1 deal at Bubba’s, Neller also got “BOSS MAN!” across his knuckles in Old English font, while Green opted for the more standard crossed rifles with “KILL” written above it in Pashto.
Under the previous tattoo policy, both men would have been subject to immediate separation from the Marine Corps.
That’s despite a recently declassified study showing that tattoos actually increase Marines’ performance, especially in their primary occupational duties of locating, closing with, and destroying the enemy. According to the study, tattoos make them appear more intimidating, leading to an average 27 percent increase in destruction.
Still, Neller confirmed that the Marine Corps has no plans to bring back personnel separated under the previous failed policy.
“What are we going to do, bring them a card and say ‘Sorry we screwed your career!’ I don’t think so. Good luck in the 1st Civ. Div.”
“But I can’t help but think that this whole time we’ve been kicking out too many hardened warfighters, and keeping too many pussies,” said Neller, taking a drag from a Lucky Strike. “I mean, what are we? The Air Force?”
Meanwhile, Neller confirmed that Col. Bieber would soon take over as the Commanding Officer of 7th Marine Regiment.