WASHINGTON — Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis was forced to announce his candidacy for president after repeated rumors of his possibly entering the race were met with comments of “No Balls” throughout social media platforms and online forums this week, sources confirmed.
Mattis, the former commander of Central Command, admits he grew complacent in his retirement and forgot how ruthless Marines could be when it came to a dare.
“I can’t avoid the brutal facts,” said Mattis. “I backed off in good faith to try and give the candidates a chance to straighten things out. I was living in a dream world, it got pretty bad.”
John Noonan, a former aide to Jeb Bush and early member of the movement to draft Mattis, is particularly eager to outline a campaign strategy for such a renowned fighting man of character and integrity.
“He came in peace,” said Noonan. “He didn’t have any Wall Street money or White House aspirations. He pled with us, with tears in his eyes: If we nominated him he’d destroy us all.”
“The survivors will write about this campaign for 10,000 years,” said Mattis.
At first glance, a Mattis candidacy seems a long-shot against Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, the respective Republican and Democratic front runners. That’s not to mention the problem of Mattis even getting on state ballots, though he says he’s not worried.
“You go into small town America, you got guys like Trump who insult veterans and there’s Clinton who will say anything to get elected,” Mattis said. “You know guys [sic] like that ain’t got no manhood left anyway, so it’s a hell of a lot of fun to debate them. I’ll be right up front with you, I like campaigning.”
“The first time you blow someone away with a really great rebuttal to their crappy talking point is not an insignificant event,” he added. “That said, there some assholes in politics that just need to be outspent with the power of hundreds of millions of dollars from a Super PAC.”
When asked how he might fare in any upcoming presidential debates against the current crop of candidates, Mattis merely winked.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “I have a plan.”