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‘Millennials are lazy freeloaders,’ says nation whose longest wars fought by Millennials


WASHINGTON — Amidst a dizzying array of highly divisive issues in the 2016 presidential election, Americans have found an issue on which there is overwhelming agreement: those born in the Millennial generation remain “lazy pieces of shit looking for handouts,” despite a combined total of 28 years of continuous war in Iraq and Afghanistan being fought on the ground almost exclusively by volunteer Millennials.

The consensus that all Millennials are “weak, useless kids with art degrees” has has emerged in the wake of a Gallup poll showing that well over half of Millennials approve of “some form of socialism.”

“These Millennials are out of control,” said local father Brian Hardy. “I don’t care that the overwhelming majority of the 2.5 million American veterans of these wars were born after 1980. First they voted for Obummer, twice, and now these geriatric Communists. The man and the lesbian.”

“I mean, no way I was gonna volunteer for Vietnam when I was their age, but that was totally different,” Hardy said, “at least we eventually left that shithole.”

Many Americans of the“Gen X” and “Baby Boomer” generations fondly recall their early 20’s, attending college without crippling debt or easily finding a job in the most robust economy in human history, made possible by the blood and sacrifice of their parents and grandparents of the “Greatest Generation.”

But despite lingering effects of the 2008 Great Recession, spiraling tuition costs, and a hemorrhaging of manufacturing jobs overseas making comparisons with previous generations difficult, Rick Thomas, a middle aged American, remains unconvinced, arguing the younger generation are simply “lazy-ass dipshits addicted to iPhones and Bieber.”

Since the start of the Global War on Terror, 100 percent of the soldiers, sailors, Marines, airmen, and Coast Guardsmen have served on a completely voluntary basis, reportedly including hundreds of thousands of Millennials. That would make Millennials the first generation in American history to volunteer en masse for what is so far a never-ending war.

“Yeah? Well they still fucking text a lot,” Thomas said.

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  1. Why do the 98% of non military Millennials get credit for the sacrifices of the 2% who actually served?

  2. Okay, I’ll bite the political bullet here:

    The reason why my generation has been convinced socialism is the answer is that Reagan was before our time, and all our options other than that were fake capitalists who need the government to regulate their competitors out of business, half of whom were named Bush. We’ve had republicans who seem to not understand their own party’s platform who spent so much time trying to minimize their weaknesses that they forgot to maximize their strengths. Small wonder that they get blown out by a real estate guy with no political experience, a reputation as a jerk, and a terrible haircut.

    I remember a beer commercial, showing a street. It started raining, and the people outside tasted the rain, and concluded that it was magically raining beer. So, they celebrated and ran around frantically shouting “It’s raining beer!” and collecting it in wheel-barrels. Then, one of them runs into a bar, says to the patrons, “Hey guys, it’s raining….Oh” only to notice Brand X on the table, considerably darker than the ‘beer’ outside.

    I honestly think Ted Cruz is going to win Wisconsin, then we’ll realize it isn’t ‘over’. Cruz will then get a national platform. And I think, he’ll be the ‘Oh’ moment of my generation. The Bushes and Romney were not capitalists. What the republicans were previously selling was not beer, and due to it being so watered down it was actually losing to the kool-aid sellers across the street, now it’s losing to the guy selling ‘mystery drink’.

    All my generation really needs is to know what “beer” supposed to actually taste like.

    Besides, it was the previous generations that told us college was a requirement to make it in the job market, and it was them that allowed leftists to congregate in the faculty. Not like you can expect to send young minds through a marxist indoctrination mill and expect them to come out balanced.

    • Damn. You nailed it. Now all I have to do is convince my friends and family to read Duffleblog comments.

  3. This is to true to be funny. However, our music is/was much much better than today’s stuff.

    • I don’t know, as a Gen Xer, I think our music sucks compared to the current stuff. I’d rather listen to Fitz & the Tantrums or Florence & The Machine over Stone Temple Pilots and Matchbox 20 any day.

  4. popsiq is right about manby of Gen X.
    Duffle blog is supposed to be satire- but this complaint “rings” of truth. But— the true Warriors identified here are a very small percentage of the ‘millennial” generation and are definitely not considered to be among those of the “Me” generation who are narcissists turds. Matter of fact some of the recent Army and USMC graduates of our recent and ongoing conflicts, who are now in civilian life, have mentioned in discussions that they consider a goodly number of their civilian millennial contemporaries as selfish MFs.

  5. Satire is at times truer than reality. This is one of tthem.

    Brian’s grand kids are the ones who’ve been fighting our wars. His great grandkids and great-great grankids are still goling to be paying for them.

    If there is any generation that has ‘earned’ a right to STFU it’s Gen X.

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