CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Anxiously wondering if their collective hotplates and hard liquor might be found, the Marines of 3rd Low Altitude Air Defense Battalion stood outside of their rooms at 0500 waiting for the barracks health and comfort inspection to begin.
“It’s important that we surprise the Marines with one of these [inspections] every once in a while,” said Gunnery Sgt. Phillip Hallweather donning a respirator and hazmat suit. “Their safety is our highest priority.
To reinforce his belief that health and comfort inspections were a necessary part of barracks life the Company, he cited his discovery of nine beers that he found in the room of Lance Cpl. Kevin Burke, a Marine who had been electrocuted earlier in the week.
“According to Marine Corps barracks regulations, only six beers per person of legal drinking age are permitted in a room,” he said. “That’s three too many.”
Hallweather was, however, unable to cite the specific regulation on how many live, sparking wires should be exposed in a building condemned in the late 1970’s for “irreparable lack of structural integrity.’
He went on to explain that, because of his vigilance, this inspection may have prevented the Marines from burning themselves.
Witnesses report Hallweather yelled, “Are you devil dogs trying to burn this place down?” as he wrestled a George Foreman grill away from a giant, poisonous spider who lives under the sink of room 212. “This isn’t goddamn Top Chef, devils! You know how unsafe it is to have cooking appliances in your rooms.”
The Marines assigned to the room were unavailable to comment, as they are currently captives in the spider’s web.
“It’s like these Marines don’t realize that their Staff NCO’s are only doing this because they care,” said Balthazar, a toxic growth of black mold that recently became sentient. “I watch over the Marines of this battalion every day through their ceiling panels, it would just break my heart if something were to happen to one of them.”
Balthazar went on to say that he would still take an interest in the Marines’ safety even if his or her spores were not growing in each of their “ripe young lungs.”
At press time, Hallweather was preparing a formal counseling for a Marine who attempted to hide a Playboy magazine within several layers of asbestos insulation in his barracks room.