KANDAHAR AIRFIELD, Afghanistan — The Pentagon is facing a Congressional inquiry after an email surfaced alleging a unit deployed to Afghanistan required a working dog to carry a “gigantic bag of shit” on its leash nearly 24 hours a day, sources confirmed.
According to PETA spokesperson Sylvia Gaines, the animal rights organization was tipped off via an anonymous email from a soldier intimately familiar with the situation. The soldier, currently serving in Afghanistan, alleges a seven-year-old chocolate lab, Master Sgt. “Gunner,” was forced to live and work in a toxic command climate for nearly a year.
“You can imagine our concern when we received an email about one of our nation’s canine heroes being forced to carry a ‘complete and utterly useless piece of human waste’ around with him at all times,” said Gaines.
She believes this practice has been going on for a while, as she estimates it took years of defilement and negligence to amass such a “massive load of garbage.”
“We estimate about 8-10 years, or, as our source relates it to military terms, ‘long enough to make Technical Sergeant.'”
Most alarming of all, Gaines added, is the rumored existence of military-wide programs specifically created to observe the size and weight of the sewage receptacles. If true, PETA believes the DoD is not only aware of the deplorable treatment, but condones it.
“We heard whispers of so-called ‘Weight Control Programs’ that not only monitor these bloated, rank vessels of refuse, but actually measure them as well,” said Gaines.
“I honestly can’t think of a worse job.”
DoD Inspector General spokesperson Lt. Col. Glenn Frost told reporters he was skeptical of the report, but was obligated to perform his due diligence.
“We have reports rolling in all of the time about these ‘shit bags,’ especially in unit TOCs, combat service support units, and the Air Force,” said Frost. “We even had some in DoD IG, but this is the first we have heard of one involving a working dog.”
Gunner’s handler, Air Force Tech Sgt. Gregory Holmes, was unavailable for comment, but was last seen by witnesses giving the dog a brief reprieve by tying him to the bumper of an MRAP before entering the airfield’s Burger King.