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Submarine develops toxic shock syndrome after forgetting to change commanders


NORFOLK — Navy Fleet Forces Command announced today that February’s replacement of an attack submarine skipper was related to an outbreak of toxic shock syndrome aboard the boat. Sources confirmed today that Cdr. Robert Jensen, commanding officer of USS Dallas (SSN-700), was relieved after it was discovered he had been the source of the toxicity for the past four years.

“We just kind of forgot he was down there,” Fleet Forces Command spokeswoman Lt. Cmdr. Katie Hodgins said. “Look, sometimes you get busy with work and social obligations. Four years go by and realize you’ve left someone in a slot they don’t belong in anymore for way too long.”

Jensen claims he did nothing wrong, and argues that the “patriarchal” Navy leadership is out of touch. “We all know the Navy is run by old men who don’t understand our issues down below,”  he wrote in a blog post. “These greybeards don’t know anything about the special care and attention our boats need.”

Some sailors have expressed support for Jensen following his relief. “Sure he was a pain when he first came onboard,” Chief Petty Officer Robbie Reynolds said, “But Jensen was right there with us when we got into some really tight spots out at sea. They’re just gonna replace him with another dick anyways.”

Chief of Naval Operations Admiral John Richardson dismissed the topic in a press conference: “Length of command tours are not correlated with toxic issues,” he declared. “We’ve had Secretary Mabus for seven years and there haven’t been any complaints there.”

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