MIAMI BEACH, Fla. – New regulations allowing Coast Guard vessels and commands to retain and use seized property mean the nearly $20 million in marijuana seized at sea on Friday morning will not put in an incinerator. Instead, it was burned at Friday night’s morale event.
“This is, like, the best thing since we were able to get tattoos past our elbows,” said Petty Officer Rick Howell, after taking an “epic rip” from a Coast Guard-themed bong.
Howell’s cutter, USCGC Robert Yered (WPC-1104), seized 9,662 pounds of marijuana from a Panamanian flagged vessel southeast on July 22. The “really righteous shit” was disguised in rice bags and seized in the Caribbean, Howell said.
“That’s $20 million worth of weed that won’t reach the streets,” Coast Guard spokesman Timothy Cronin said. “So who better to use it than our heroes?”
Sources say the Cutter Robert Yered has adopted “wake and bake” as an official motto and has been blasting Bob Marley over the loudspeaker.
Boaters in Miami report that the cutter has been circling since around 2300 hours Friday night. The Harbor Master says the crew has insisted on Port of Miami frequencies that they “are on a straight trackline, and you should probably stop moving the shore lights.”
“Did you know our National Security Cutters are actually 420 feet long?” Lt. Chris Aldrich, Yered’s Commanding Officer, asked minutes after eating a pot loaded brownie.
He then began to whisper. “You see they want you to think it’s only 418 feet but that bitch is straight up 420.”
“Wait, are we even at sea?”
Cronin tells reporters, “We want to keep these drugs off the streets. But we also want to make sure our brave Coast Guard men and women can take advantage what’s currently evolving in society.” He then started giggling before quietly staring out to sea.
Aldrich says the pot is an improvement over alcohol-centric events.
“I mean, let’s be honest here,” Aldrich said at the start of the evening. “I get genuinely concerned when my shipmates drink too much at these events.”
“So when all I have to worry about is how many bags of Doritos Seaman Snuffy has consumed before watching ‘Down Periscope’ seven times, it’s a good day.”