FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Pvt. Raymond Kessler, responsible for the twenty-third crash of a military vehicle since the release of Pokémon GO last week, was somehow not even playing the game, sources report.
“I learned my lesson after my last two Pokémon GO crashes,” Kessler said during his burn treatments. “Although I would have rather been chasing down those cute little monsters, I turned that fuel truck into a fiery death trap the old-fashioned way: extreme fatigue from playing too much Pokémon GO before driving.”
Sgt. Lance Pine, who was asleep in the vehicle during the crash, was also not definitely not playing Pokémon GO.
“We were all tuckered out,” Pine said, “after our platoon leader had us running after Pokémon for 48 straight hours under the guise of PT and land navigation this weekend.”
Pine paused to catch a stray Poliwag. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a 1700 formation to defend our gym.”
Kessler’s platoon leader, 2nd. Lt. Gary Brock, views casualties like Kessler as a necessary sacrifice.
“I’ve already caught 180 of these bastards,” said Brock, who was wearing fingerless gloves and all of his badges. “This is the most measurable success I’ve had since graduating from West Point.”
Fort Bragg authorities have responded to Kessler’s negligence by calling for a forcible roundup of all remaining Pokémon on the installation.
Post commander Lt. Gen. Steven Townsend believes the end is in sight.
“Once we’ve taken possession of all the wild beasts during our police call, the threat will be over,” he said while logging into Pokémon GO. “We’ll also be the very best fighting force, like no one ever was.”
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