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Report: Grown men who defend country spend all day looking for Pokémon

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon lost more than 1,000 man-hours of work over the past week due to fully grown adults blowing off work to look for Pokémon, a news release said today.

“I suspended training and gave the entire school a few days off,” said Capt. Kevin Byrne, commanding officer of Naval Nuclear Power Training Command. “Funny thing was it wasn’t because of the students. All the instructors threatened to strike if they didn’t get to play ‘Pokémon Go.’ I decided it was fine because it’ll be the only exercise they’ve had in years.”

“Cell phones are forbidden in Rickover Center because of all the classified information inside,” Byrne added. “But I’ve suspended that rule because there’s a venusaur on the third floor. Also I’m not worried about classified information anymore because nobody else is.”

The reports of service members playing ‘Pokémon Go’ were not limited to just one command.

In Norfolk, a sailor was arrested for forcing his way onto a submarine so he could capture a gyarados, and soldiers of the 10th Special Forces Group scheduled a training mission in the Rocky Mountains because they heard there was a graveler on top of Mt. Elbert.

A pilot died in a plane crash near Edwards Air Force Base, and his last transmission was apparently “There’s got to be a flying type up here!”

Meanwhile, Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, announced plans for invading Syria sometime early next week.

“Our mission is simple,” Dunford said. “Defeat ISIS, restore regional stability, and catch rare fire types. They thrive in the desert.”

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