Naval Academy graduate prefers to masturbate with his class ring

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WASHINGTON — Navy Lt. Roger Johnson prefers to masturbate with his class ring, the 2011 graduate of the US Naval Academy recently admitted to friends. And Johnson is not alone.

A recent poll of military service academy graduates found that 98% of male and almost 73% of female alumni masturbate with their class rings. Military leadership is calling the results “surprising.”

The survey, published by the Military Times, finds that the large majority of officers who received their commission from one of the three service colleges, admit they use their class rings to masturbate. A staggering 68% report they are unable to achieve an orgasm without it.

“It just feels right,” Johnson said. “To have the two most precious things in my world in my hand at the same time is really special.”

This comes as shocking news to military health experts and psychologists alike — as well as anyone who has ever shaken an Academy grad’s hand.

“Many of the young men and women are turned on by how great they think they are,” says Maj. Victor Fedorov (West Point ’04), a military physiologist and co-author of the study.

“Also the cold rigged metal is rather stimulating … I assume, of course.”

The study details how the feel of the ring reminds graduates of how awesome they were for getting a congressman to sign off on four years of boot camp and learning.

Officials at the Pentagon are not taking the findings lightly and are considering either discontinuing the rings or possibly making military-grade sex toys

“We expect this from Naval Academy grads, but the Air Force and Army too?” asks acting Inspector General Glenn Fine. “We don’t see this type of behavior from the ROTC grads who spent four years in their early 20s not attending a sexually repressive military academy.”

There have also been reports of Naval Academy graduates sharing rings. They put one ring on each finger and preform something called a “Golden Salute,” though no specifics were available at press time.

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  1. Any abrasion injuries reported? Those incised engravings could lacerate an errant prepuce, or get snagged in a pudendum. While gold and silver may be fairly non-reactive with sensitive tissue, one has to wonder about the metallic composition of the class rings made from ‘lustrium’ and the effect they may have on the libido as well as the body.

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