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Debt-free, never-divorced staff sergeant loses security clearance


FORT EUSTIS, Va. — The Army announced that it has revoked the security clearance of Staff Sgt. Brett Arnold of the 93rd Signal Brigade, after a routine review uncovered disturbing details about the 31-year-old NCO. Investigators are concerned that Arnold is “completely debt-free” and “has never been divorced.”

“This is a very serious issue and initially we weren’t releasing the individual’s identity for privacy reasons,” says Maj. Robert Boyd a public affairs officer at Fort Eustis. “But everyone knows it’s Arnold, because he’s always bragging about how he paid cash for his car.”

Boyd says the Army will now conduct an extensive investigation of Arnold. Intelligence officials are concerned that “he is either a Russian operative, or possibly just a loser.”

“He never blew a paycheck at the bar and spends a boring amount of time keeping his wife happy,” Boyd said. “Either way he can’t be trusted.”

“It’s a problem because he’s a supervisor now,” says Pvt. William Grey, who works in Arnold’s section.

“For one, I’m buying a Mercedes soon,” Grey said. “And on top of that its only a matter of time before my wife finds out about the affair. When the time comes I need to know that my leadership has relevant experience.”

Arnold’s command sergeant major says, “The Army is an organization that prides itself on traditions. We have a long history of borrowing money and even had a bad break-up at the service level, with the Air Force back in 1947.”

“Without his security clearance he won’t be able to do his job,” says Col. John Reyes, commander of the 93rd. “If he can’t do his job, then he won’t get paid.”

“Let’s see if he can stay debt-free and married now.”

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