Obama releases Guantanamo detainees to make room for Syrian refugees
WASHINGTON — President Obama has released 15 detainees from the Guantanamo Bay detention center to make room for incoming waves of Syrian refugees, sources confirmed.
This was the second major announcement regarding embarrassing detainees this year.
The White House has struggled for years to develop a response to the Syrian refugee crisis.
“It’s tough to find them a home,” Secretary of State John Kerry explained. “Portland was over capacity with unemployed hipsters, Florida was filled up with the Jews, and don’t even get me started on Detroit.”
But today officials announced that they are ready to act.
“We finally figured it out,” White House foreign policy guru Ben Rhodes bragged. “The refugees are scary, unpredictable Muslims and they have started hunger strikes. Bingo: they’ll fit in perfectly at Gitmo.”
Surprisingly, most refugees expressed support for the policy.
“Yes yes I love America,” Syrian refugee Abu Jafar said. “Guantanamo is better than shit-hole Hungary with their shit-hole fences.”
“And we may get college benefits,” Jafar’s cousin added. “The American government is so generous!”
Generosity is not what motivated the government, Obama explained.
“Its real simple,” the President said. “I get blamed for Guantanamo anyways, so I might as well get some use out of it.”