FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After an unexpected spike in the price of ibuprofen brand Motrin, Surgeon General Nadja West has announced that the Army is unable to provide the drug for ailing soldiers until further notice.
“We prescribe and deliver close to one billion milligrams of Motrin a day,” West said. “In addition to our cost limitations, medics are now stockpiling and stealing what’s left, and most soldiers can’t afford to buy miracle drugs like Motrin on the private market.”
Craig Mason, a physician assistant at Womack Army Medical Center, has already witnessed hundreds of helpless casualties.
“Among other things, soldiers use Motrin to treat their headaches, joint pain, allergies, syphilis, cataracts, diabetes, and vertigo,” he said while consoling a soldier suffering from terminal ergophobia. “All I can do now is offer hospice care and dead-man profiles to preserve some of their dignity.”
Alex Gorsky, CEO of Johnson & Johnson, said that the price change is justified.
“I’m running a business, and shareholders expect returns,” Gorsky told reporters. “Except that, unlike most businesses, pharmaceutical companies hold the keys to life and death.”
Mason, who refuses to give up on the wounded warriors, is turning to alternative forms of medicine.
“We’ve found that some illnesses can still be cured by changing your socks and drinking water,” he stated, “but Motrin was our only backup for a lack of EpiPens and Daraprim.”
Still, West believes the worst may be yet to come.
“We predict hangover death tolls in the tens of thousands after the upcoming three-day weekend,” she lamented. “And how will I treat the headache all that paperwork is going to cause me?”