JAKARTA, INDONESIA — The self-proclaimed Islamic State announced it was expanding with affiliates in Indonesia and Malaysia today, at a time when the terror group is under incredible financial strain amid the loss of key oil-producing facilities.
“Our glorious ‘Pacific pivot’ strategy should allow us to hop on the veritable gravy train of funding, just as the U.S. Army has been attempting to do for the last five years,” said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, in a statement released to his supporters on Telegram.
US Navy Adm. Harry Harris, commander of Hawaii-based Pacific Command, was astonished to see ISIS move into the Pacific.
“Honestly, we didn’t think ISIS would try to extend its caliphate to the Pacific. Honestly, the whole COCOM’s like 90 percent water. Who wants that?”
As Baghdadi explained in his statement, the Pacific may be filled with water, but there is some land and people there as well. “In fact, the largest Muslim nation is in the Pacific,” he said. “Cha-ching, Pacific Pivot dollars!”
Baghdadi had just returned from a 10-day tour of the Pacific theater, during which he tweeted pictures and videos of him observing Timorese suicide bombers in Indonesia, speaking with recruits at a Darul Islam training facility in Malaysia, and giving a thumbs up alongside Abu Sayyaf fighters in the Philippines.
“Honestly, we’re broke and we need the money,” Baghdadi finally explained, “And we sure as hell don’t want the money to go to al-Qaeda’s ‘Air-Building Battle’ strategy.”