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USS North Carolina attack sub retrofitted with LGBTQ-friendly toilets


PEARL HARBOR — After the Justice Department criticized the state of North Carolina’s “discriminatory” legislation on the use of public bathrooms by transgender people, the Pentagon has ordered the Virginia-class attack submarine USS North Carolina back from patrol in the Pacific so it can be retrofitted with LGBTQ friendly bathrooms, sources confirmed.

Simultaneously, the Pentagon has replaced the North Carolina on station with the USS San Francisco (SSN 711). Although that submarine is in the middle of a six-month dry-dock and refit, the Los Angeles-class attack submarine was hastily re-launched, and its crew recalled from leave.

Despite aggressive Russian naval activity in the region that has U.S. allies “considerably worried,” the Pentagon defended the move as “absolutely necessary.” The submarine is set to return to Pearl Harbor to undergo major overhauls to bring its bathrooms up to acceptable standards.

“We feel the USS San Francisco is the right boat to carry America’s message of tolerance and inclusiveness on the high seas,” said Navy spokesman Cdr. Jeremiah ‘JJ’ Wathin. “We’re proud to say that after ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was repealed, the San Francisco was the first boat to overhaul all sleeping quarters with specific regard to ‘Bears’, ‘Twinks’, ‘Circuit Boys’, and even ‘Show Queens.'”

He added: “In fact, all the racks in the berthing spaces labeled ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ now carry, extra, special meaning.”

The commander further hailed the move as representative of the Navy’s new core values.

“We understand that it’s unprecedented to announce the movement and location of our attack submarines, but the U.S. Navy is committed to sending a resolute and unwavering message regarding this issue.”

At press time, the North Carolina’s chief of the boat, Senior Chief Luke Aden, was overheard asking his younger sailors, “Ok guys, I know the ‘L’, the ‘G’, and even the ‘B’ and the ‘T’, but what hell does the ‘Q’ stand for again?”

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